the slippery slope of ass fingering

Janine: i finally came around to the finger up the ass bit

but it took years

as in doing it to guys

Janine: i’m not keen on it myself

me: ha ha

me: whose ass has the honor

Janine: brad

me: addicts love it up the butt

Janine: and the friend i accidentally fucked after him

do they?

me: accidentally

there is no such thing as accidental sex

Janine: or mistakenly

you take your pick

me: esp if you don’t drink

i’d say “regretfully”

um, so how do you get your finger up the ass of someone you mistakenly have sex with

Janine: well once i crossed the brad threshold

Janine: it’s easy to do it again

me: hmm

the slippery slope of assholes

what lovely imagery

me: i’ve never even crossed that boundary, i’ve only touched my ex’s asshole

me: it was so appealing to me until someone actually agreed to it

 

[I spent a full year begging to finger my boyfriend’s asshole—to gain privileged access to the most personal of body parts. Once said access was granted, I realized all I had wanted was the permission to go where no girl had ever ventured before. It was about body ownership, physical intimacy, the fact that he was comfortable enough with me to entrust me with his most intimate of body parts—not about the body part, itself. Besides, assholes are kind of gross. I immediately lost interest.]

 

Janine: ohh god, men over hear love it

Janine: they love getting it done to them

and they love doing it

i’ve only let clayton do it to me

it wasn’t bad

wasn’t good enough to make it worthwhile

me: you think this in unique to the european country in which you are living?

Janine: no, but i think it’s a socialization thing

they’re more comfortable with it

me: i’m not keen on fingers up the ass, but i love having my asshole touched, it is like an instant orgasm button because you automatically contract when someone tries to violate the exit-only area

hmm, i have to say that i’m not comfortable with it, asses are so personal

Janine: it’s definitely not my favourite thing to do

me: i wouldn’t want someone who i don’t know well having privileged access to that info about me

Janine: but if it gets them off

me: when my ex fingered my ass, he told me he smelled his finger afterwards and the verdict was that my ass smells much better than his. i suppose i should take that as a compliment.

 

[For months, I begged for anal and my boyfriend denied my request—he wasn’t “interested.” Until I devised an ingenious ploy: I want anal for Christmas! Still tentative, it was an offer he couldn’t resist. He was such a bad present giver, I was relieving him of his duty to buy me a Christmas present—I was doing him a favor. This way we could avoid my inevitable request to exchange his well-thought-out present for store credit. After all, he was more than complicit in all my other sexual requests. Plus, obviously this way I would get what I wanted. It seemed like a win-win situation. He initially refused. With Christmas fast approaching, he might have reckoned he had run out of options. Already in desolate, snow-enveloped New England visiting his folks, what was he going to buy me? Potholders? Ammunition? Anal seemed like the safest bet. Except one night he surprised me with a finger and I kind of freaked out. Not freak out like, The sex tonight is over! Just freak out like, What the hell do you think you are doing?!? A finger is no penis, but I expected a little warning. A signal, perhaps. Days later, I relented and invited him to finger my ass. Much to my dismay, he was a terrible ass fingerer! It was so unpleasant! I’m not sure what I should have expected. My interest in anal sex immediately ceased. This was probably his plan all along. And thus was the premature end to anal-for-Christmas. I should have accepted something redeemable for store credit.]

 

Janine: haha

me: yeah, i would do it upon request, but only with a condom over my finger

Janine: it’s gonna smell bad either way

a condom?

me: i actually went on a quest for finger condoms when my ex told me i could

 

[When my boyfriend finally requested an ass fingering, I told him I would love to, but only with a condom on my finger (his ass is way grosser than mine). He was like, “But I did that for you without a condom.” Um, that was his choice—he volunteered. My asshole wouldn’t have been insulted if he had requested to use a condom—it wouldn’t have even known the difference. I embarked on my quest to find finger condoms and the first place I hit was Babeland, the classy, lesbian-friendly sex toy and erotica store—a Lower East Side stronghold. The man who worked there was extremely helpful and non-judgmental, as always, but they did not carry what I was looking for. As I was browsing their other goodies, he did some internet research for me (I didn’t even know they had a computer) and informed me that “finger condoms” are formally referred to as “finger cots.” Any drugstore should carry them, as they are used for medical purposes. I thanked him and continued on my quest, which proved wholly unsuccessful. At last, I found a trashy gifts-and-gags store that included unwrapped finger condoms as part of a novelty set—the kind of set one would whip out at a bachelorette party. When I told my friend about this, she exclaimed, “Do people finger each other at bachelorette parties?!?” I don’t know—do people fuck each other with dildo-adorned veils? Penis pens? Probably not. I suppose ass fingering has garnered kitch-value (nice to know) on par with that of penis pasta. My last hope was The Pleasure Chest, an equally classy, but gay male-oriented sex shop—Babeland’s West Village counterpart. I was hesitant to inquire there, because I thought they would laugh in my face; “We stick our tongues up assholes, we get fucked up the ass and then suck guys dry, and you want a condom to cover your finger?” They were nice about it, but still no luck. I resigned and googled “finger cots.” Yes, drugstores do have an abundant supply. Unfortunately, you have to buy approximately one thousand finger condoms at once. Okay, so maybe it was like three hundred. Doubtful that I would finger my boyfriend’s asshole three hundred times (okay, so maybe two hundred, but even I would get over the grossness after, like, time number seventy-five), I gave up on ass fingering. I mean, I would have gotten over it and done it without a condom, but he didn’t seem to care and it never happened. Now that we are broken up and I am without an asshole to finger, I kind of regret my prissiness. Although, I’m sure that after doing it once, I would have immediately lost interest.]

 

Janine: they’d think they were going for a rectal exam?

sorry ! not ?

me: at one point my ex told me he had already smelled my ass sometimes when we 69ed. it really grossed me out. i felt kinda violated. i never agreed to have anyone know what my asshole smells like.

 

[It was like, “Did I issue a permit authorizing you to smell my asshole? I wasn’t even aware of your asshole-smelling tendencies. I am going to have to file this under non-consensual asshole smelling!”]

 

Janine: haha

i find 69ing distracting

me: i think it is acceptable to use a finger condom. ass is a smell you just can’t get off your hands.

Janine: sure you can

soap and water takes care of it

me: and what if after fingering his asshole i wanted to use the same hand as an accessory to a blowjob. it’s just so gross not isolating the ass hand in some way.

no it doesn’t! the ass smell lingers for hours!

Janine: you have to time it right

as in

i’ll stick a finger up the ass before an intense part to a blow job and only if i want him to come

otherwise

you are just one finger short of a full deck for sex for the rest of the night

me: ha ha

but you can’t have sex and not use one finger

Janine: it’s tough

but possible

and you look like a freak

but lets be honest

me: you astound me, what a sexual magician

Janine: looking like a freak is better than e coli

me: truer words have never been spoken

Janine: haha and you’re constantly wound up making sure the ass finger doesn’t touch anything so that it inhibits how into it you can get

me: wow, it is like ass ocd

Janine: haha

more like whack a mole

but yea

me: whack a mole?

like that game at chuckie cheese where you hit things that pop up with a hammer?

Janine: yeah you’re constantly on target thinking, “where’s the ass finger”?

yep the hammer game

and that thing is a mole

and not exclusive to chuck-e-cheese

🙂

me: like “when will the ass finger accidentally pop up,” or should i say “mistakenly”

Janine: haha

me: i think i like the term “erroneous” for accidental sex

Janine: yeah something like that

i like that

i think i’ll take that

 

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