me: i was talking to laura [my cousin, who is in her mid-thirties—approximately ten years older than i am] today about what a “fuck date” is
and she was asking me how i knew i was going on fuck dates
what did you say?
I mean I would assume you’d know by the guy, more than anything else
me: i explained that sometimes you go out with someone and it is clear that you aren’t interested in each other as people, but you have to go through the motions of a date before you can fuck
me: she just didn’t understand how it was mutually understood that that’s what you are interested in
i’m not sure if i talked about that in part one or part two of my post “you can’t improve about perfection”
but, like, sometimes i don’t understand how guys know i am a ho
Daria: you know it’s funny, I was telling Sean about Jesse [the guy Daria recently lost her virginity to]
and he wanted to hear about how we figured out we were going to have sex
me: and how did you?
through the grapevine?
Daria: well, no I mean we were talking for a long time, and it was clear he was interested
and then we got in the cab and were originally making 2 stops
Daria: but then I guess it was me, I think I said something like, “I would invite you back, but I live at home”
me: yeah, it’s funny how sometimes you are sort of unsure until logistical shit comes up
Daria: I mean I guess I was pretty sure he’d be down, but maybe he wasn’t sure I would be
i feel like in my old age there is also alcohol budgeting involved, like if you think it is going to happen, you can notice both people cutting down
me: laura actually gave me really good sex advice tonight
Daria: what’s that?
me: well i was explaining how bored i am because i’m such a ho bag
really i was explaining how i’m bored because by a certain age when you go home with someone it’s assumed you will fuck, and why not?
like we are adults we can fuck whomever we want whenever
Daria: why don’t you want to fuck just one person????????
[she is imitating a mutual friend who asked me this question seriously. the answer being that, of course, i would prefer to fuck one person consistently, but i’m not going to hold off having sex forever until i find the “right person.” i’d prefer to fuck lots of people or, at least, fuck as frequently as reasonably possible (increasing number of casual partners generally increases frequency), until i find one person to fuck frequently.]
me: ha ha
if only i had one person to fuck!
me: but the prob is that i miss the oral sex phase
the oral sex phase being the phase when you don’t know how much you are getting
Daria: well, it seems like you could make that happen
if it’s what you want
me: part of it is the not knowing, the pushing each other’s limits, the awkwardness and questioning
i feel like there was actually some of that with josh, for some reason
some anticipatory nervousness
Daria: that’s cool
me: which was caused by private school bullshit more than anything
Daria: right, makes sense
me: and also the fact that we were both somewhat indifferent
like we might as well, because we are both hos and sex is fun
but it was unclear what we wanted/expected
anyway, the other aspect of the post-oral phase
is that at a certain point i realized i could always get sex if i wanted it
Daria: when was that?
me: once you are at that point when you are with someone
like, once you go home together, it is the girl’s decision how much she wants
me: and i always want sex
Daria: no, I know
but you said you realized at a certain point
when was that point?
me: oh, i’m not sure what age it was at—twenty? i think it also might have to do with not being in school anymore, like once you aren’t in school getting wasted and hooking up with whomever, why fuck around?
me: so the reason oral is sort of over for me is, like i explained, i’m not into being eaten out as an activity within itself.
but the problem is
i love giving head
me: and i love cum
and you miss out on that if you are just fucking
i miss oral, because when you fuck, you are missing out on the penis
and it is all about getting fucked
and having stuff inside you
and i might as well fuck dildos attached to people
me: so i explained my dilemma to laura, the cum part aside, and she had good advice
Daria: what’s that?
me: she was like, you can have sex and ask to finish the guy in your mouth, and I was like, isn’t that disappointing for him?
and she was like, not if you explain it right and have it seem like part of the sexual act, like, “this feels great, but i’d love to finish you in my mouth”
i think i could incorporate a move like this
Daria: that sounds like it would work
me: it might confuse a guy initially
but guys never complain once their dick is in your mouth
like, i love getting fucked, but can i please blow you?
Daria: probably a lot of guys would be into it
laura also gave me good advice pertaining to the age thing
i told her about how i was bored a) with the prospect of not being able to blow guys b) with the prospect of always knowing what you are getting
she told me that part b subsides with age
when people are actually looking for more than getting fucked
so there is some dynamic-play again
like you know you are getting fucked, but don’t know what else you are getting
she suggested that it would change as i was looking for longer-term prospects, which i think is true. as she said, now there is no challenge.
it is so easy to just fuck bodies.
but if you have to wonder about whether the person really likes you, etc., obv there is more unpleasant emo bullshit involved, but also more sexual anticipation builds.
this is after i explained to her that girl sex was better when the girl was nervous and it was about testing limits and mutual exploration, as opposed to with a veteran, emphatic, self-proclaimed les
who was obv down
Daria: yeah, that makes sense, too
kind of reminds me of the reason I liked reading slash
me: it’s too bad that it is only good when you aren’t 100% sure that the other person wants it
I may have read some other stuff too, but not much
but I certainly agree with the it’s only good when you aren’t sure the other person wants it thing
me: so what else is good in the world of gay sci-fi porn?
Daria: dunno really, but if I found an author I liked I would sometimes read stuff about other shows
laura was shocked by my sexual behavior, by the way
me: because apparently people who are 35 are scared of hiv
me: which i have minimal concern about
i am scared of herpes and i used to be more scared of hpv
[pre-guardasil, but to all you Christian conservatives out there who are reading my blog (as if), hpv-fear never stopped me from having slutty sex and, so, getting vaccinated never “caused” me to engage in slutty sex. it just caused me to enjoy the sex more, free of fear. not that this would allay protests over protection. after all, enjoyment of casual sex—sex that doesn’t directly result in increasing the Christian army, by way of reproduction—is sinful.]
i am still somewhat scared of hpv
laura couldn’t believe that i considered condoms a solution
like that i wouldn’t talk to partners about the last time they got tested before we fucked
which just seems so impractical
and almost naive
Daria: I agree
and then what if they say it’s been a while since they got tested
me: i believe in plastic, not people
Daria: right, no I agree
me: and also even if it was yesterday, it can take up to three months to test positive
I mean what are her criteria?
what would make her agree to have sex with the guy?
me: not sure exactly
what i was more interested in and pressed her on extensively was how she discerned btw sex and oral, like what would be the deciding factor in having sex when she could just keep it at oral
Daria: so what did she say?
me: i was interested partially because of my fixation with wanting to regress back to the oral phase
I think you need a different term so it doesn’t sound so Freudian
me: and partially because in most situations i can’t distinguish myself. like, in most situations, i feel like i could just as easily decide one over the other and there would be no questions either during or afterwards.
guys don’t even wonder, “i wonder why she wouldn’t fuck me?”
me: i’m not sure, some people have extremely artificial criteria. but laura didn’t give me a real answer, partially because she hasn’t been with that many people. so i’m not sure whether her decisions have been incidental or based on patterns.
hmm, well what is a less freudian term? i kinda enjoy the term oral phase, it makes me so nostalgic, perhaps in a childhood whimsical way
Daria: haha no I guess it’s fine, I just think if you’re going to blog about it people might misunderstand
me: true, i suppose i would have to define oral phase
but i think i actually had a convo with charlie about it that i might just post
and avoid having to write new material
me: then you will understand why charlie and i should have been online buddies for five year already
Daria: yeah, and Charlie’s a good one because he’s always online
me: i would obv have to edit that convo bc he is so wasted it is unreadable
yeah, but he’s usually away i think
Daria: yeah, I mean it’s just silly that he types like that when he’s drunk
oh, well during the work day he’s there a lot
but I guess you’re asleep
me: well, not as silly as my being practically unable to text post-orgasm
Daria: I’m pretty sure he does it on purpose partly
I remember talking to him about this
it’s a signaling thing
like, haha I can say anything
see, I can’t even spell
me: ooh, clever
Daria: I’m sure it is slightly harder to spell
but he plays it up
me: or you can just be like me and be like, hi i’m me and i can say anything
Daria: much better, I’d say
me: i’m such a ho bag, i’m beyond embarrassment and no social rules apply to me
Daria: which I would say is a good thing
me: the best part is when people call me “refreshing”
and it’s like such old news to me
Daria: like Rayanne
me: ha, yeah
but she sees others in color
i want to be in color!!!!
Daria: and it’s perfect because Sharon was trying to think of the word
and Rayanne was like, you mean refreshing
at least I think that’s how it happened
yeah, i remember that, in the bathroom, right?
me: by the way, i’ve been thinking recently how uncharming being a ho bag will be five years from now
like five years from now it will just reek of desperation
which is all the more reason to pass myself around now
[i also feel like i should earn the title—live up to my purported slutiness.]
Daria: maybe you’ll have an arrangement by then
me: because now i can still be like, “i’m sewing my oats before i get into anything serious.”
HA, one could only hope
maybe i will even have an arrangement that gets me laid more than once a month by then
Daria: maybe I will too
or more than once, ever