the viewership, part one

This is an exhaustive list of the search terms eliciting corresponding results through which people arrived at my blog between the dates of Novermber 20th, 2009 and March 20th, 2009. To consolidate the list and avoid tediously reporting the hit-by-hit breakdown, I combined number of hits for like search terms. Oh, I’m lying; this is not by any means an exhaustive list. I swear, once upon a time someone arrived at my blog by searching for “chuck blair limo sex.” For serious, this is obviously a “summarized” list of search terms.




            Six hits


Gossip Girl masturbation, Blair masturbating, Gossip girl masturbating, Blair masturbate, Gossip Girl Blair masturbates, Blair masturbate episode, Gossip Girl masturbates, Gossip Girl Blair masturbating, “Gossip Girl” Blair masturbated, “Gossip Girl” masturbate, Gossip Girl masturbation scene, Blair Gossip Girl masturbate, Blair masturbating Gossip Girl, masturbation in Gossip Girl, Blair Gossip Girl masturbation, Gossip Girl Blair sex dream opening but, Gossip Girl Blair masturbate, Blair masturbate Dorota, Gossip Girl masturbate, Gossip Girl Blair masturbation scene, Blair “Gossip Girl” masturbation, Gossip Girl – Blair masturbation, masturbating Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl scene Blair masturbation, Gossip Girl Blair masturbation


            Fifty-three hits


Gossip Girl


            Three hits


TV masturbation scenes


One hit


girl walked in on masturbating; walked in on girl masturbating; walked in on her masturbating; I walked in on a girl masturbating, walking in on parents having sex


            Five hits


“girls are masturbating,” girl masturbate with large balls, effects of masturbation to study habits, vibrator dorm


Four hits


“his limp penis” “first date,” “fondled his flaccid penis,” limp penis


Two hits


fuck+girls+blog, smallgirls get fuck


            Two hits


ex “naked pictures of me”


            Two hits


fingering his ass


            One hit




            One hit


“hooked up” straddled


            One hit


muscular strippers


            One hit




            One hit




            One hit


bong batteries


            One hit


The search term I find the most puzzling is “bong batteries.” Are there electronic bongs? For those who are too lazy even to smoke? Ohhhh, I see! I just googled it, myself, and apparently the “Bong O” is a vibrating cock ring that uses batteries. What a confusing name! Attached to this product, appears to be a “Swinging 18k Gold Plated Pleasure Ball” for anal stimulation. Must we gold plate that which we rub against our assholes? Puh-leeze. For my asshole, I’ll take anything washable.


The toy’s slogan is: “The Ring With Swing and Bling for your Thing.” When you are selling products that advertise a “Super Stretchy Erection Band,” don’t you want to avoid using words that are evocative of swinging, limp penises? I’m just saying that limp penises have more swing than erect ones, so I’m not convinced that I would want to add swing to my thing. Perhaps the term they were looking for is “bounce.” And bounce rhymes with… pounce? “The ounce that adds bounce to your pounce.” Yes, I think that makes about as much sense as their slogan. “Don’t forget batteries! NOW only $9.95.” Are the batteries gold platted too? I accept only the finest things in life.


OMG, now they have the “Big O Glow,” in case you lose your fuck buddy’s penis in the dark! I always lose my fuck buddy in the dark, but I never lose his penis, because my fuck buddy is a dildo. And, Jesus, who loses penises?


More good news: not only does it light up (the name “glow,” again, is deceptive; what it does is flash like a police light so you feel criminal or else just get a headache); it is also waterproof! That means you won’t lose the attached penis in the bright and claustrophobic confines of a shower! Maybe I’m not accustomed to living as luxuriously as the purchasers of these products, but when I’m in my shower with a guy, it is practically impossible to end up anywhere but in the closest proximity to his dick. I’m not sure I would need the guiding, flashing light, as if he were a pilot signaling to airport traffic control a mile below: “Five inches to landing.” Flashing lights are for airports and raves, not fucking. 

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