the viewership, part one

This is an exhaustive list of the search terms eliciting corresponding results through which people arrived at my blog between the dates of Novermber 20th, 2009 and March 20th, 2009. To consolidate the list and avoid tediously reporting the hit-by-hit breakdown, I combined number of hits for like search terms. Oh, I’m lying; this is not by any means an exhaustive list. I swear, once upon a time someone arrived at my blog by searching for “chuck blair limo sex.” For serious, this is obviously a “summarized” list of search terms.

 

indefenseofgettingoff

 

            Six hits

 

Gossip Girl masturbation, Blair masturbating, Gossip girl masturbating, Blair masturbate, Gossip Girl Blair masturbates, Blair masturbate episode, Gossip Girl masturbates, Gossip Girl Blair masturbating, “Gossip Girl” Blair masturbated, “Gossip Girl” masturbate, Gossip Girl masturbation scene, Blair Gossip Girl masturbate, Blair masturbating Gossip Girl, masturbation in Gossip Girl, Blair Gossip Girl masturbation, Gossip Girl Blair sex dream opening but, Gossip Girl Blair masturbate, Blair masturbate Dorota, Gossip Girl masturbate, Gossip Girl Blair masturbation scene, Blair “Gossip Girl” masturbation, Gossip Girl – Blair masturbation, masturbating Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl scene Blair masturbation, Gossip Girl Blair masturbation

 

            Fifty-three hits

 

Gossip Girl

           

            Three hits

 

TV masturbation scenes

 

One hit

 

girl walked in on masturbating; walked in on girl masturbating; walked in on her masturbating; I walked in on a girl masturbating, walking in on parents having sex

 

            Five hits

 

“girls are masturbating,” girl masturbate with large balls, effects of masturbation to study habits, vibrator dorm blogurl:wordpress.com

 

Four hits

 

“his limp penis” “first date,” “fondled his flaccid penis,” limp penis

 

Two hits

 

fuck+girls+blog, smallgirls get fuck

 

            Two hits

 

ex “naked pictures of me”

 

            Two hits

 

fingering his ass

 

            One hit

 

without-a-condom

           

            One hit

 

“hooked up” straddled

 

            One hit

 

muscular strippers

 

            One hit

 

theperfectphallus

 

            One hit

 

gayporno

           

            One hit

 

bong batteries

           

            One hit

 

The search term I find the most puzzling is “bong batteries.” Are there electronic bongs? For those who are too lazy even to smoke? Ohhhh, I see! I just googled it, myself, and apparently the “Bong O” is a vibrating cock ring that uses batteries. What a confusing name! Attached to this product, appears to be a “Swinging 18k Gold Plated Pleasure Ball” for anal stimulation. Must we gold plate that which we rub against our assholes? Puh-leeze. For my asshole, I’ll take anything washable.

 

The toy’s slogan is: “The Ring With Swing and Bling for your Thing.” When you are selling products that advertise a “Super Stretchy Erection Band,” don’t you want to avoid using words that are evocative of swinging, limp penises? I’m just saying that limp penises have more swing than erect ones, so I’m not convinced that I would want to add swing to my thing. Perhaps the term they were looking for is “bounce.” And bounce rhymes with… pounce? “The ounce that adds bounce to your pounce.” Yes, I think that makes about as much sense as their slogan. “Don’t forget batteries! NOW only $9.95.” Are the batteries gold platted too? I accept only the finest things in life.

 

OMG, now they have the “Big O Glow,” in case you lose your fuck buddy’s penis in the dark! I always lose my fuck buddy in the dark, but I never lose his penis, because my fuck buddy is a dildo. And, Jesus, who loses penises?

 

More good news: not only does it light up (the name “glow,” again, is deceptive; what it does is flash like a police light so you feel criminal or else just get a headache); it is also waterproof! That means you won’t lose the attached penis in the bright and claustrophobic confines of a shower! Maybe I’m not accustomed to living as luxuriously as the purchasers of these products, but when I’m in my shower with a guy, it is practically impossible to end up anywhere but in the closest proximity to his dick. I’m not sure I would need the guiding, flashing light, as if he were a pilot signaling to airport traffic control a mile below: “Five inches to landing.” Flashing lights are for airports and raves, not fucking. 

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