like mother, like daughter, part two

me: i think my mom has been with more guys then i have

Daria: well, she is considerably older than you

me: thanks for my weekly sexual humiliation, gossip girl!

Daria: haha

 

And here I thought I was a slut!

 

With the revelations of Lily and Rufus’ stupid lists, came indications of my mother’s sexual past:

 

My mom’s reaction to the Lily’s complete list was a scoff of indignation followed by the declaration, “That’s not so many; she’s an adult.” Her reaction to the condescend version—the one that Lily actually presented to Rufus—was incredulity; “I absolutely cannot believe that anyone her age would have dated so few people.” I clarified, “It isn’t how many people she’s dated; It’s how many people she’s slept with. Not everyone has slept with over twenty people.” She flashed me a telling look as to indicate, “Speak for yourself!” My 14-year-old brother, catching on, prodded, “Ew, mom?!?” To which she laughed as to indicate that she had, in fact, been with more than twenty men.

 

And here while I was watching the Lily and Rufus showdown all I could think was, “I hope that adults aren’t this immature in real life. If they are I never want to grow up!” It never occurred to me that their numbers were unrealistically low for people their age, only that they were acting extra fucking stupid for people their age. 

 

Pity my naivety!

 

Josh: aahh

its true, the numbers are incredibly different than ours

figure you sleep with 3/4 pp a year, and if you arent into relationships until your thirties, youve got 10 + years of sleeping around

you could easily reach 50 without being a whorebag

in theory

 

Speak for yourself; the numbers are not incredibly different from mine!

 

How precious; he underestimates me. Twenty was ages ago, more than three years ago, dating back to the era pre long-term relationship. I have long since surpassed twenty; currently my list is approximately halfway in between Lily’s uncensored and censored versions, in length. It spans the expanse between “so few” and “not so many”—for a forty-five-year-old.

 

Unlike my mom, however, I haven’t slept with so many more than twenty that I’ve lost my perspective. Obviously there are numerous adults who end up with numbers lower than twenty, even adults who think twenty is an exorbitant number. I consider my group of friends and I am confident that many of them will get married before they come anywhere close to ten.

 

I’m fairly confident I am within my mother’s range, but the ambiguity of her number perplexes me. 20+ can span anywhere from 21 to Tucker Max’s “can’t round to the nearest hundred.” All I know is that she is over 20 and thinks 40 is no big deal. Agreed.

 

me: i’m not sure. i’m pretty sure people think i’m a ho bag and i don’t know if i will make it to 50. but maybe i’m being unrealistic.

the thought of 10+ years of sleeping around is so depressing to me

Josh: agreed

 

10+ years of sleeping around seems so depressing because sleeping around in general is, quite frankly, depressing. Maybe if I got laid more than, like, once to twice a month I would feel differently about the situation. It’s just that one-time things with random guys are not conducive to female pleasure. And, in general, the amount of sex you get from sleeping around is never worth the amount of effort you expend therein and the complications that arise therefrom. Which isn’t to say that I would trade in all the random sex I’ve had; only that I would gladly give it up for something better.

 

Sleeping around is overrated. Do I really want ten more years of bad and embarrassing sex? Thank god I am mostly beyond embarrassment because the more you embarrass yourself, the less embarrassing everything becomes.

 

I suppose if I keep going at the rate I am going, I will easily hit the 50 mark within the next five years. I sleep with way more than 3-4 people per year when I am single, but my life has been punctuated by relationships and I am hoping it will continue to be regardless of when I decide to settle down, which I realistically do not think will be until I am in my thirties. Maybe this is wishful thinking.

 

Also, as I have gotten older, there has been more opportunity for repeats (because I have slept with more guys total and because I have had better judgment as to whom I will sleep with, in a way becoming more selective), so I assume that at a certain point, I won’t have to keep finding new guys to casually hook up with. Maybe this is also wishful thinking.

 

But, seriously, I prefer repeats. It is just so much better—for the girl especially—once you have a rapport, don’t need to be tentative about what you introduce, and know what to expect. Familiarity with specific bodies is important. I think about how long it took for me to figure out how to get myself off. Now that’s depressing. Ten more years of masturbating in front of guys! And that is in the best-case scenario, you know, the scenario that doesn’t involve a guy telling me that I fuck like a cripple.

 

me: well lily is a slut, we knew this much

but who knew about my mom

Daria: yeah, who knew

wait, how old was she when she got married?

me: i feel like i have to compete

Daria: haha

me: 35 or 36, kinda old

Daria: you can top her by then easily

me: i wonder if sluttiness runs in fams regardless of disclosure, because trust me nothing was ever disclosed before tonight

Daria: right

me: so she thought 20 people was unbelievably low and 40 people wasn’t that high for an adult

this leads me to believe that she is at least in the 20+ range

and i am barely over 30

what an embarrassment

Daria: haha

you’re still young

me: and my mom even had herpes!

fuck, i need to get herpes!

Daria: who knows what else your mom has done

me: [all this time i was intimidated by her two graduate degrees

now i feel like i have to get a doctorate and acquire herpes to impress her]

herpes and a doctorate, then i will be as good as my mom

i bet i’ve had more penis in my mouth just because oral is trendier now

Daria: next thing you’ll hear she’s done heroin and feel inadequate

me: ha ha ha

maybe she’s even fucked every color starburst

me: i’m still incredulous, partially because my aunt has been telling me about her sex life in repulsive detail and she’s only fucked, like, 3 guys and she was the outgoing one in the family

me: i think someone has to purchase the domain name “shybutslutty.com” or maybe “studiousbutslutty.com”

perhaps “neuroticjewishsluts.com”

i think that would go over well

 

P.S. Everyone on Lily’s list has a last name besides SLASH. What kind of slut knows the last names of everyone she has sleep with? I suppose the kind that fucks celebrities and socialites. 

 

Bravo, NY Mag, for reprinting the list verbatim to the best of your abilities. And bravo, Gossip Girl, for including Claus and Klaus, who were mentioned in that episode where Serena and Eric tell Lily what a fucking terrible mother she was. 

 

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/03/gossip_girl_goes_back_to_basic

 

 

“Nate came to terms with his pedigree, Serena with the fact that her sluttiness might be genetic, and Blair with the knowledge that while being wild can be fun, deep down she needs to know everything is under control (hers).”

–Daily Intel’s Gossip Girl Brings Us Back Home

 

 

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