snuggies and scrambled porn

My friend posted this parody of a Snuggie commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVM1exSjEtk&videos=1cxRW2HQVD0&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

To which I responded by posting:

http://snuggiesightings.com/snuggie/

And:

http://www.designersnuggies.com/flare/next/

Davey:

that fills me with shame.

Genie:

ashamed because you own a bedazzled, leopard print snuggie or because we live in a society where someone is profiting off of long-sleeved hospital gowns?

the clip you posted (with the scrambled porn reference) made me think: i can’t believe scrambled porn has become a dated concept. and because of snuggies soon blanket masturbation will become dated, too.

i am thoroughly convinced that snuggies are a conservative conspiracy to prevent children from masturbating surreptitiously.

Davey:

First, the two reasons to be ashamed aren’t mutually exclusive, ahem. Secondly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some hidden movement to dampen the mystery and intrigue of masturbation, possibly with the goal in mind to make it, like, a Mattel thing. You know, like ‘My Very Own’… you get the point. Either way, snuggies are terrifying, I’ve actually seen one in person now, and I have the sick, nearly irresistible urge to go out and buy one right now and go… snuggle. Yeah.

Then, I discovered the link to this event:


http://gothamist.com/2009/02/18/snuggie_pub_crawl_will_warm_your_dr.php

The tagline should have been: “Snuggie Fest ’09: Where non-TV-masturbator, couch potatoes convene.” I can see the craigslist posting, now: “TV-masturbation-disabled, couch potato seeks same.”

This is one step up from a LAN party.

We can form snuggly, non-thumb-sucking-masturbator communities! Increase productivity with the newfound captivity of hands! I mean, clearly the purpose of snuggies is to free your hands, but it constricts them from finding their way to the most common, mindless hand location, freeing them up for purposeful, productive activity. Think of all of the computer games that can now be played (without worry of sticky keyboards)!

The Snuggie manufacturers need to seriously considering revamping their marketing slogan. Their current, “Snuggie: The Blanket With Sleeves,” is indicative only of its form, while “Snugging: The new dry-humping,” encompasses its utility.  This change in emphasis from object to function would, indeed, pique my interest; I sure do miss the dry-humping phase. I consider it to be the precursor to the oral phase—the gateway drug. “Snugging” also sounds suspiciously like “snogging,” which is perhaps the precursor to dry-humping for the globally abreast.

I would like to submit the following analogy for usage by ETS:

Snugging: Masturbating::

Dry Humping: Having Sex

Alas, definitive proof of the onslaught of the insidious, anti-blanket-masturbation conspiracy:

http://videos.nymag.com/video/Snuggie-Pub-Crawl

Evidently, the streets of NYC have not been spared from the cultural movement, converting cult-like flocks of fashionable followers, one Snuggie at-a-time. Hide your children and gentials!

Listen to their testimonials and be horrified by levels of brainwashing only body-inaccessibility could yield:

Q: “How do you feel about yourself?”

A: “I feel like it is a hug from Jesus.”

Q: “How do you feel inside right now?”

A: “Like I’m being hugged by God.”

–nymag.com

I can’t tell whether these people are so deluded, they have lost sight of the fact that masturbating feels far better than hugging Jesus ever could, or whether they are so enlightened, they plan on tricking Jesus into dry-hugging and subsequently taking off their chastity straight jackets to get off to him. Word on the street in that Jesus is pretty sexy, and I’m guessing snuggly Jesus is even sexier. His morning wood is more pronounced than it could ever be in an ordinary blanket; it is like a boner in sweatpants. Once I saw this scrambled porn where I could have sworn I saw Jesus’s dick poking out of a Snuggie, and I was like, “Man, Jesus gets me so wet; I, like, totally want to touch myself.” But I couldn’t because I, too, was wearing a Snuggie. So I resorted to foot-masturbation, which luckily I have years of experience with because  I went to a private school with uniform skirts, and uniform skirts are so easy-access. Like, for serious, when I was a private school girl, I could masturbate with my hands and my feet! Now, with the advent of Snuggies, not so much.

Daria: I am so against snuggies!

I’ve been wearing regular blankets for years, and it’s just as good

[the ingenuity of  infomercials is that they make mundane activities seem difficult: “real blankets slip and slide!” oh no, the horror!]

me: how do you know, you’ve never tried one on

Daria: yes I have

Samantha has one

me: really!?!

Daria: yes

so hot

me: was she high when she ordered it?

[before i purchase a snuggie, i demand to be shown statistics stating ‘percentage of purchasers who called while high. i would imagine that phones ringing in the background of infomercials would be extra-appealing to stoners, in addition to the prospect of something snuggly.]

Daria: she looks like a wizard or something

I think she was not

me: ha ha, i can picture it

wow

Daria: yeah, wow

me: so, what i’ve been thinking about with snuggies is that they prevent blanket masturbation

Daria: so true

me: like, you can’t play with yourself when sitting around watching TV with your parents because your hands are exposed

i bet this is some right-wing conspiracy to stop people from masturbating

like sewing pant pockets together, but more subtle

[“Let’s Sew Our Pants Together is the best Weezer song, ever!]

Daria: haha yes

me: there is actually this mock snuggies ad that i really like because it talks about scrambled porn, which might have become a dated concept now that everyone has porn access

me: i just googled “scrambled porn” and the word “throwback” comes up. i feel so nostalgic. how do i get my hands on scrambled porn?

Daria: aw, I’m sure that’s on the internet too somewhere

everything is

me: apparently scrambled porn has been depicted on robot chicken

so maybe the best i could get is cartoon scrambled porn

Daria: that doesn’t sound like a very good substitute

me: no, very unsatisfying

unless trent is depicited

[Trent from Daria, the TV show.]

Daria: omg yes

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