me: did i tell you how after i fucked the red-haired kid (red-haired kid #1) on birthright, i told him it was a set up
Alec: no, but you can tell me about it now
me: well before birthright there was this facebook group for people going on the trip, so i looked through it and found a guy who was totally my type and he went to my school so i could check his profile
me: i read his profile and looked at all his pictures when i was in my mom’s apt. i was like, “mom, i want that.” my mom agreed he was cute.
so after i fuck this guy, like we are still lying in bed naked (too late!), i was like, “i have to tell you something weird. i checked out your facebook profile before the trip and thought you were cute. i showed my mom a pic of you. she thinks you are cute, too. are you really weirded out?”
Alec: hah. what did he say?
me: he laughed and was like, “no, that’s not so weird.” something to that effect, at least.
i think he got my timing
Alec: that’s kind of amazing.
I’ve never hooked up with a redhead
me: i know. being like, “ha ha, sucker.”
me: what does that mean?
i don’t get your interspeak
Alec: nothing. internet dork speak for you totally
I find it awesome that many porn video sites have an entire category dedicated to redheads
it’s a genre
me: wait! where! show me!!!!!
step up your game.
me: and are they real red heads
because fake red is like fake tits
Alec: I’d rather see droopy ugly boobs then fake ones.
it’s a matter of principle.
me: well like four years ago, which is the last time i searched for porn, there was no genre
me: so is this something you search for, or just for me?
Alec: nah, we’re on the same page.
me: wait, so how do you pronounce “p0wned”?
me: what kinda reputable dictionary doesn’t have a pronunciation guide
Alec: for shame!
so wait, you don’t search for your porn by genre?
me: i used to back in the days of kazaa and limewire
but now in the days of sites where it is all just up and you get to see a thumbnail and caption, all i do is click
maybe i am lazy
Alec: nah, just efficient
me: yeah, i mean before you had to type something in as the search parameter
Alec: still you must have a favorite genre?
me: we’ve discussed this like ten billion times, i love cum
but that is in so many vids that it is unnecessary to look specifically for it, although i am picky about it
Alec: fair enough, so like what’s an example of the ultimate win for you?
me: i def often fast foward to the end of a vid before watching it to make sure i won’t be disappointed
like reading the end of a book
Alec: hah, i’ve been known to do that too
i have parameters
me: chasey lain and peter north, i love them, they are the perfect duo
[peter north: my hero]
Alec: peter north cumshots are kind of amazing
me: no kidding
and he is old and everything
Alec: he actually tried to sell a line of male enhancement pills
it’s sort of sad
me: ha ha
you mean size enhancement? not cum enhancement?
Alec: cum enhancement. like take this pill and cum like me
Alec: I don’t know
I’m kind of not impressed
me: what a great name for a website
so very porn 2.0
me: ha, so my fav name for a porn website ever is ‘smutgremlin’
Alec: is that your site of choice?
me: like 5 years ago
i think i have part of this vid on my comp and love it, at least the part i have
but it’s hard to tell if it is the same one, mostly i’d recognize the background
there are dramatic stairs in the one i have, i think
Alec: you recognize backgrounds?
me: i have watched it so many times
so i still don’t believe in your red-haired thing, because none of the links on that list are actually free except for pics and who wants pics
your attention to detail is amazing
Alec: i rarely notice backgrounds unless they’re hilariously ridiculous
me: or my lack of ingenuity in finding new things [is amazing]
Alec: you should aspire to find new, innovative porn in 2009
or join suicidegirl’s forum and talk about it
me: so how old is peter north
and how do i find free red-haired porn with real red heads
Alec: I wish I knew the answer to question two, and i bet you can find his age on wikipedia
me: and why hasn’t youporncocks worked in months
i don’t really need innovative porn, i mean what great sexual things haven’t existed since the beginning of time
me: i wonder what peter north’s pills actually do. dehydrate you?
i’m sure they do something.
Alec: they’re probably sugar and baking soda, blessed by north before they leave his garage
where he makes them
all by himself
me: peter north is not to be confused with “sir peter north”
Alec: hilarity ensued
me: omg, he was born in 1957!
he is 51!
Alec: He needs an award
Alec: if he’s still cumming on 18 year olds when he’s 65
that’s something to put on wikipedia
me: amazing, on his wikipedia table of contents, under bio and career, it lists “cum shot specialist”
i wonder if you have to specialize within your first few years of being a pornstar, whether there is some sort of residency involved
Alec: unlikely. I think it’s more like, if you squirt you stay, if you dribble, you’re relegated to lame internet low budget pr0n
me: i wonder how you discover a talent like that, did that guy really just see him in gym shorts and think, “gee, i bet that guy can shoot eight times per orgasm”
me: i was reading about aging in my human sex textbook the other day and it mentioned the decrease in propelling power
i am horrified
Alec: you’ll just have to find the perfect age and command perfect cumshots from all your partners
insist on watching them before you sleep with them
it’s a rigorous process.
me: excuse me while i think about drool and grapefruit, lumpy oatmeal
me: well, you know i had that bf who just dripped
what a disappointment
Alec: there’s no way to fix that I suppose
me: so you know that orgasm-face site you were talking about
what is it called?
me: what an adolescent, gothy name
Alec: i know
it’s kind of fantastic
me: so how much is your per-month porn bill?
Alec: I don’t subscribe
except to suicidegirls
because it’s rad
me: so you just know about this site?
is it french?
or just snooty?
[sub-header is ‘facettes de la petite mort,’ which translates as ‘facets of an orgasm.’ ‘petite mort’ idiomatically means ‘orgasm,’ but literally means ‘little death,’ because that’s how the French think of an orgasm. as in, the death of millions of innocent spermies!]
Alec: perhaps both
me: for sure
me: in a magnetic poetry way
me: the slideshow on the homepage is actually hilarious
Alec: yeah dude
that site is no joke
don’t fuck with them, or they’ll pout in your direction
me: the sound quality on their free sample is so extreme. it sounds like an airplane is landing. did the guy mic his sheets?
and birds outside his window?
Alec: duh. don’t you?!
me: nothing makes me cum harder than chirping!
Alec: you fucking hippy
me: time for me to take sleeeping pills
me: because i am midtown east