a very scientific experiment, part four

The next day I had drinks with my environmental biologist friend, and I explained the situation in detail to him. He mentioned bacteria in semen and I was like, yeah, I know semen and rubber smell fucking awful after a while and I’m sure there are all sorts of gross chemical decompositions that take place, but never have I ever had semen turn orange on me. He suggested that it could be the reaction between the semen and the new condom material. Never had I ever left semen to decompose in a polyisoprene condom. He had a point.

I vaguely forgot about the situation until over a month later when I slept with some fucking hipster named Dave and threw the condom out in my trash can. Days later I got a whiff of that fucking awful fermenting-semen smell, and I considered emptying my practically empty trash can. Until I realized what a useful specimen I had inadvertently acquired. It wasn’t a perfect specimen, because the semen had already been sitting in a latex condom for a few days, so latex-specific chemical reactions could have already occurred. But I figured if I acted fast, I could approximately recreate the semen situation. If I could start a punk band, for sure, I would name it The Semen Situation.

I went to CVS and bought a box of Skyn condoms. A very scientific experiment is illustrated in the following series of step-by-step photographs. Enjoy my photo diary.

The process of semen transfer:

Photo 357

Photo 358

Photo 359

Photo 360

Photo 361

Photo 362

Photo 363

Photo 364

Photo 365

Photo 366

Photo 368

The results after two and a half weeks:

Photo 380

juxtaposition

Photo 388

polyisoprene condom

Photo 389

latex condom

As you can see from my conclusive results, polisoprene turns semen orange. After my first, unintentional foray into semen science—when semen was deployed directly into a polisoprene condom without preceding latex interference—the orangeness was more pronounced and it was apparent that the semen, itself, rather than its receptacle, turned orange.

Dear World,
Please accept this as my public service: From this day forward, if ever you encounter orange semen, heed my warning that certain condom materials can turn otherwise normal semen into that which could wreak horror into the heart of even the most exuberant cum-o-phile. The allure of semen is trumped only by the sheer magic of semen transformation. Voila: orangeness! I am eternally enchanted.
Love Always,
Genie, The Most Courageous Experimentalist of Our Time

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7 Responses to a very scientific experiment, part four

  1. Your environmental biologist friend says:

    Your pictures of the semen transfer are very clear and concise, and your technique is foolproof!

    • indefenseofgettingoff says:

      Why, thank you; I love fan mail! As you can tell, I have an extremely controlled laboratory in my apartment. It consists of a lawn chair, junk in my trunk, and loads ‘o semen. ‘Concise’ may be an inaccurate word with which to describe my photo diary. In fact, the first four pictures are redundant, but my tits look amazing so I don’t consider the duplicates entirely superfluous.

  2. your curious friend says:

    Thanks for this valuable information.

    Did you actually notice a difference with the Skyn condoms?

    When are you doing the Q&A portion of the blog? I have more questions.

    • indefenseofgettingoff says:

      The guy came much quicker both times we had sex that night than he had in the past. Since we had had sex about five times previously, I suppose I can attribute this difference to the Skyn condoms or the placebo effect.

      I’m not sure that I, myself, noticed a difference. When I think about the difference between protected and unprotected sex, I’ve always been able to feel a lot more during unprotected sex because I can feel what the guy is feeling, i.e., every slight throb and twitch is transmitted so bodies work in tandem better. It’s easier for your arousal to increase with the other persons. Skyn condoms claim to transmit heat better, but I cannot attest to this. I’m not refuting their claim, just not supporting it.

      I don’t think my two experiences with Skyn condoms provide enough of a point of reference to make an educated comparison. And as for better interplay between the two partners, since I have particularly clumsy and uncoordinated sex with this guy, I doubt being to feel each others physical reactions would do much in the way of syncing us up. That said, I could notice the difference insofar as I noticed his arousal mounting more quickly than usual, and I guess I was turned on by that or else just happy to get it over with.

      On a related topic, I did smell the Skyn condom before performing semen transfer and it smelled much better than traditional latex condoms, although I think Durex smell much better than other brands of latex condoms, i.e. Trojan and Lifestyles.

  3. Your Environmental Biologist again says:

    I picked up a couple of the Skyns, as well as a whole slew of other ones, so I’ll write you comprehensive condom reviews from “the inside.” get it?

    …All I have to do now is actually have sex again.

    • indefenseofgettingoff says:

      I eagerly await your “inside” look. Although, I didn’t intend this post as an advertisement for Skyn condoms so much as a word of caution. My suspicion is that no matter how skin-like condoms claim to be, fucking through condoms is like groping through clothing. Nothing can reproduce the direct contact. Let me know, though; I am interested.

  4. indefenseofgettingoff says:

    I just informed my friend of his acquittal, explaining the scientific process as such: “I abducted this hipster’s semen. I mean, sometimes guys leave their semen in my apartment.” The verdict followed: “So, your semen is perfectly normal. Congratulations!” I should have given the verdict in the form of a Loveline sound drop: “Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.”

    This website doesn’t have that particular drop, but it’s fairly comprehensive, although I wish it only included the Adam and Drew drops that Anderson actually played: http://www.dolland.net/loveline/sound/drops/index.html

    Oh life, who woulda ever known it would get this exciting.

    “Uh, the world is your oyster. I mean, because that’s all the world is.” -Adam Carolla

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