The next day I had drinks with my environmental biologist friend, and I explained the situation in detail to him. He mentioned bacteria in semen and I was like, yeah, I know semen and rubber smell fucking awful after a while and I’m sure there are all sorts of gross chemical decompositions that take place, but never have I ever had semen turn orange on me. He suggested that it could be the reaction between the semen and the new condom material. Never had I ever left semen to decompose in a polyisoprene condom. He had a point.
I vaguely forgot about the situation until over a month later when I slept with some fucking hipster named Dave and threw the condom out in my trash can. Days later I got a whiff of that fucking awful fermenting-semen smell, and I considered emptying my practically empty trash can. Until I realized what a useful specimen I had inadvertently acquired. It wasn’t a perfect specimen, because the semen had already been sitting in a latex condom for a few days, so latex-specific chemical reactions could have already occurred. But I figured if I acted fast, I could approximately recreate the semen situation. If I could start a punk band, for sure, I would name it The Semen Situation.
I went to CVS and bought a box of Skyn condoms. A very scientific experiment is illustrated in the following series of step-by-step photographs. Enjoy my photo diary.
The process of semen transfer:
The results after two and a half weeks:
As you can see from my conclusive results, polisoprene turns semen orange. After my first, unintentional foray into semen science—when semen was deployed directly into a polisoprene condom without preceding latex interference—the orangeness was more pronounced and it was apparent that the semen, itself, rather than its receptacle, turned orange.
Please accept this as my public service: From this day forward, if ever you encounter orange semen, heed my warning that certain condom materials can turn otherwise normal semen into that which could wreak horror into the heart of even the most exuberant cum-o-phile. The allure of semen is trumped only by the sheer magic of semen transformation. Voila: orangeness! I am eternally enchanted.
Genie, The Most Courageous Experimentalist of Our Time