The Guy with The Smallest Penis Ever to be Seen, Part 3

A few days later, he texted me…

1/18
8:59pm
A: That was pretty wild the other night… I had a good time

1/19
7:00pm
G: Ha, me too. Glad you texted. Thought it was pretty rude that you left without saying bye.

9:14
A: Sorry I didn’t want to wake you and I had to leave didn’t mean to be a dick

10:12
A: don’t think I’m an asshole that really wasn’t my intention

A month later, there was a follow up. Well, a booty call…

2/22
1:22 am
A: back in town

The next night I replied…

2/23
7:55pm
G: are you still around? I might be free late tonight but im not sure.

10:00
A: Yea txt me

1:05
A: so you gonna make yourself available

1:06
G: Ha ha, well put. im back home but am considering having a quiet night.

1:09
G: So adam from boston who works for a hedgefund, I feel that there is an inequity in terms of the info we know about each other.

1:10
A: ok so give me a brief bio

1:11
A: and I’d say we know each other a little better than your giving credit for

1:13
G: No I mean you know where I live and my last name bc I clothed you in shirt ive had since sleep away camp days and I have med bottles lying around.

1:13
A: ha ha… you’re a grad student studying something sexy

1:16
G: I own an absolute basketball shirt w my name in it that you wore until you ran away.

1:17
A: I didn’t run away I had to get my shit together and catch a train

1:17
A: and I didn’t glance at the tag

1:19
G: Wait it was 1994 nba finals shirt. But that’s bs because I set my alarm for you and woke up to said alarm and empty bed.

1:20
A: I didn’t know it would upset you so much.. but the ball is in your court right now so

1:22
G: Can you just disclose your last name so youre searchable? No big deal but in my entire career as a slut never have i ever had a guy vanish.

1:24
A: we can both disclose full names… but are you going to track me for some reason I should know about

1:26
G: Only curiosity—knowledge that youre a real person

1:27
A: haha fine I for some reason trust that you’re a good person… adam ____ n u

1:33
A: r u really gonna delay response?

1:34
G: Why arent you searchable via fb. dont wanna be friends just wanna know you exist.

1:35
A: what do u mean Adam ____ ____

1:36
A: I went to u Michigan… Now reciprocate

1:37
G: Okay I found you. so it’s ____ genie ____.

1:37
A: both members of the tribe

1:38
G: Well if you went to Michigan id say that’s a given.

1:40
A: hahaha… so does this mean there is a rendevous in my future

1:44
G: Straight to the point. well i am interested in prospectively hanging out again but i am kinda settled for the night and feel like youll be back in town soon.

1:45
G: Wait two quick logistical cues [that was supposed to be “qs,” as in, questions]:

1:46
A: you always need so much convincing you want to see me that’s why were talking right now

1:46
G: How old are you and exactly how short are you. im twenty five and five two in case you require reciprocation.

1:48
A: Why’s this necessary I’m 5’6’’ 23 yrs of age

1:49
A: Why build me up and burn me down when you want to see me anyway

1:51
A: And why not how tall are you not short

1:51
G: Ha ha, ok interrogation over. i think youre exaggerating the height but whatevs. i do wanna hang out just not tonight. let me know when youre back in town.

1:52
A: wow so you don’t even want me to come over

1:52
G: Very cocky, btw

1:54
A: I’m by no means cocky I clearly want to see u

1:58
A: And what is w this height issue anyway you can tell I’m short I beautiful tho

2:00
G: Ha ha, no youre cute, I don’t mind short, just fascinated in a record-breaking way. like i think youre way shorter than that.

2:02
G: Anyway not gonna happen tonight but tell me next time youre around

2:03
A: Haha I’m no midget my I’d from when I was 16 say 5 3 so I have to be 5’5’’ but fine I’ve haven’t felt so rejected in a long time

2:05
G: Rejection? thats a big word for a random fuck. tucker max did make the midget a novelty.

2:06
A: Hahaha someone gets brave with the text message

2:08
A: How’d this conversation get so contensious

2:09
G: Nothing of the sort

2:10
G: Anyway, i should go

2:13
A: So how do we end this

2:13
G: Goodnight?

2:14
A: Hah well you want to see me sometime in the future aka a date or your just enjoy insulting me via text

2:16
G: Not sure about a date per se. but didnt mean to insult you. nothing wrong w shortness, just novel.

2:18
G: I dont know if ive ever been on a post-sex date. seems dangerous.

2:19
A: Haha your too much to be blunt I’d like to have sex again

2:22
G: Done i think. just be patient. Goodnight.

2:24
A: Fine sleep well… You’re the best lay I’ve had

[This guy sure knows his audience. If I hadn’t seriously considered fucking him again, now I sure would be. My other thought, though, besides ‘He really knows how to woo a narcissist,’ was ‘Seriously? That’s the best sex you’ve ever had. How depressing. I mean, fun, uninhibited, for sure, but certainly not quality.’]

2:28
G: Seriously? well, thank you, thats flattering. sleep well, too.

A month later, and he was back in town. But he sent me an incoherent message at 4-something am when I am at another guy’s apartment. The text message was, “I’m up. Wanna fuck?” Um, you are texting me to announce that you are awake? How about “I’m back in town. Wanna fuck?” Besides, if you are referring to the point that you are back, Boston is North of New York, and, therefore, the appropriate thing to say would be, “I’m down [for the weekend]. Wanna fuck?” Either way, 4-something am is too late. And the guy whose place I was at I was actually interested in.

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