just curious

My favorite part of JDate is that you can instantly click a chat box closed if an uggo, fatty, or oldie appears, uninvited, on your screen. My least favorite part is that you can limit your search options according to height, but not weight. Oh yeah, that and you can’t trawl for redheads.

When a fat, volunteer firefighter appeared on my screen, I thought I made him disappear. But when I checked my inbox later, there was a message waiting with the subject line “just curious.” Seemed non-threatening enough.

Let me digress for a minute and note my issue with his screen name, JewishFirefighterEMS. First of all, we are on fucking JDate so stating that you are Jewish is as redundant as stating that you are looking to date someone. Second, I know you put FirefighterEMS in your screen name for the same reason that guys post pictures of themselves with other people’s pets and babies. You probably volunteer exclusively so girls think you are a hulking bundle of caring and courageousness. But when your action-packed job is my first introduction to you and you are literally wearing a shirt with a blue collar in your profile picture, it does not evoke thoughts of selflessness and helpfulness; it makes me think: too blue-collar for me! Sure, I want a guy who knows how to cook ramen noodles and hit a nail with a hammer, in spite of his Jewishness, but knowing how to tap a fire hydrant is above and beyond unnecessary. Knowing how to piss on one is enough for me. Besides, my uncle happens to have been a volunteer firefighter in Westchester (who was unable to work once becoming too fat to perform his firefighterly duties). His most heroic feat to date was putting out a garbage can fire outside of the 7-11. With a Dixie cup. Because they could not spare a Big Gulp cup. God forbid he ask for a 99 cent refill.

OMG, Americans are so fat I want to cry tears of glucose, sucrose, and fructose: http://freerefillsamerica.com/2010/04/02/how-would-a-soda-tax-affect-big-gulps/

And now, the message showdown you’ve all been waiting for:

FATSO541:

I am just curious why you declined? If it is because you are busy that is fine but if it is something else more physical then that is a whole different problem. Could you please tell me because I am trying to figure out how the woman mind works when it comes to online dating?

GENIELOOKSBETTERTHANYOU352:

Okay, well if you want me to be honest:

a) I would never date somebody overweight so that is why I automatically declined chatting with you.

b) I have no interest in dating somebody who lives in Westchester or who would like to live in Westchester.

c) You list marriage and children as things you are looking for and I am definitely not looking for either of those right now.

FATSO541:

That is all so BS and number 1 means you are so superficial and high maintanence so I am glad you decliened. If i woudl I woudl grow up. Good luck finding someoen with that attittude.

GENIELOOKSBETTERTHANYOU352:

Okay, asshole. Don’t ask girls questions if you can’t take the answer. Fatness is about lifestyle, not just superficial qualities. Good luck finding someone who wants a fat guy who isn’t mature enough to handle what he asks for.

Good luck finding someone with that attitude? What does that even mean? Many people don’t want to fuck fat people. I think he meant good luck finding someone who wants an elitist bitch like me. Well, thanks!

What a fucking shithead. He REQUESTED feedback on his presentation, explicitly asking me to critique his physique. When I bountifully obliged and he was too much of a baby to accept my response, he critiqued my personality UNSOLICITED and instructed me on how to behave. As if I asked for dating advice from a fatty. I’m doing fine, thanks. In the words of someone to whom I told this story, he was ASKING FOR IT. If you ask someone for feedback, you have to be willing to handle it graciously. Fatness is not a license to be self-righteous and I’m fucking sick of fat people criticizing average-weight people for being superficial, high-maintenance, snobby, or otherwise lacking in character. Likewise, fatness doesn’t automatically make one holier than thou. There are plenty of mean, depraved ugly people. Like those who pick fights with strangers online then sit on their fat arses feeling sorry for themselves and acting as if they’ve been victimized.

Nutritional deficits and drug side effects aside, height is almost entirely genetically determined. But fatness is a lifestyle that everyone seems to be too polite to designate as such, because body image is a touchy issue. Sure, there is some genetic basis to fatness and it sucks that I can eat a hamburger and pizza and not get fat while you can’t. However, there is an interaction between genes and the environment and there is a strong behavioral component, more so than in the cases of most health outcomes with genetic bases. I’m sorry if you are more predisposed to fatness than I am and would gain more weight on a steady diet of hamburgers and pizza than I would, but if we both ate healthy food in moderation it is very unlikely that you would be dangerously or unattractively fat. Fatness that isn’t caused by habitual, poor eating habits is extremely rare, and I give people like Jeff Garlin a ton of credit for admitting to the cause of their weight gain. I wish more people would take personal responsibility for their actions. Explaining away fatness by invoking genes is extremely unpersuasive considering the cross cultural differences; the fluctuations in weight and body standards within this culture, based on wealth and other factors; and the fact that obesity has risen exponentially, especially in children, over the past few decades. It ain’t that fatties are fucking more or that more fatties are fucking.

I’m sick of people telling me that my preferences are more superficial than other people’s. As I mentioned, JDate lets you limit your search based on height, but not weight. Because indignant fat people have made themselves a PC protected class. FATNESS IS A GODDAMN LIFESTYLE AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF YOU LET ME LIMIT MY SEARCH OPTIONS ACCORDING TO DRINKING AND SMOKING STATUS BUT NOT ACCORDING TO FOOD-CONSUMPTION STATUS. I don’t want someone who will drop dead of a fatness-induced heart attack at 45 and I don’t want someone who will drop dead of smoking-induced lung cancer at 45. I don’t want someone who stuffs their face at every meal and binges while watching tv late at night, and I don’t want someone who reeks of smoke when they come home and tastes like an ashtray when I kiss them. I think those are comparable.

Like cigarettes, fatness is something we all have to pay for whether in health insurance premiums or otherwise. I got yelled at by my fat Aunt when I explained to her that when I’m on a bus that is filling up, I methodically remove my bag from the seat next to me and look up when a thin WOMAN passes by. This is a sheer matter of practicality, not a matter of lookist discrimination. Next are you going to tell me that I’m sexist because I’d prefer to sit next to a woman? They take up less room.

According to Merriam-Webster’s definitions, I would say I am superficial but not shallow:

synonyms superficial, shallow, cursory mean lacking in depth or solidity. superficial implies a concern only with surface aspects or obvious features <a superficial analysis>. shallow is more generally derogatory in implying lack of depth in knowledge, reasoning, emotions, or character <a shallow review>. cursory suggests a lack of thoroughness or a neglect of details <a cursory reading>.

But whatevs, liking guys of a certain weight or build isn’t any more superficial than liking guys of a certain height, style, demeanor, or race. Some things are simply considered lowbrow, namely those that are related to pleasures of the flesh. Fat, titties, etc. I think this designation system is extremely elitist ala Nietzsche’s Genealogy of Morals. Ultimately, looking for a boyfriend or any other level of dating/fucking partner is all about compatibility. I don’t like dumbs, I don’t like jocks, I don’t like guys who are easily emasculated, and I don’t like fats. Done.

I will fuck the dumbs but not the fats. I do not think this is unreasonable or makes me debase. Just honest. And aware of my personal preferences.

I’m not saying that we should laugh at fatties or discriminate against them in hiring practices, presuming that their fatness does not impede them from performing their functions at the job in question. But fatness does make you unfit to perform one of the vital functions of being my boyfriend: getting my vag wet. How can my vag excrete fluid when it’s thinking about the sweat building up between your rolls. Bleh, just the thought make me want to cry tears of glucose, sucrose, and fructose.

If I could send the female equivalent of the message that dude sent to me, it would go something like this:

Dear fatso541,

Does my ass look fat in these jeans? JUST CURIOUS!

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One Response to just curious

  1. The EBF says:

    Having known a whole bunch of EMTs myself, I think you’re mistaken where you say that the fact that he made his screenname “whateverfirefighterEMS” suggests that he’s only in it to look good. The fact is, for some reason that is entirely beyond me, the vast majority of firefighters and EMTs I met have absolutely no imagination beyond novel splinting techniques and use the firefighter/EMS designation for damn near everything. They also wear T-shirts like this at all times:

    Most of these people didn’t seem to be in it solely for the credit, as most were genuinely interested in helping others, but they definitely did mark every part of their lifestyle with as many six-pointed-star stickers as they possibly could, and saw absolutely nothing tacky about flames on both tattoos and trucks.

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