just curious, part two

OMFGLOLZANDOTHERINTERNETEXCLAMATIONSANDMAYBEEVENEMOTICONS!!!

You may recall that a few months back FATFUCKEREMT JDate e-mailed me, soliciting my critique of his appeal (or lack thereof) and chastising me when I complied with his request.

Over the past few months, he has periodically JDate instant messaged me. I click the box closed because I wasn’t interested to begin with, and I am not a cruel person: I do not go out of my way to insult people and cannot think of any thing remotely nice or even neutral to possibly say to him. He is ugly and mean. Similarly, I do not go out of my way to acquire negative feedback from strangers: I don’t care what they think about me and I have better things to do. Such as publicly make fun of fat, useless strangers.

I was kinda curious what he wanted from me. I wondered if he had found my blog, as if that would be possible; I altered his screenname ever-so slightly in my posting. Because I am not a bitch and alter identifying details to avoid humiliating the guilty. I mean, to avoid a defamation suit (even though my stories are not fabricated because people are this fucking ridiculous in real life).

My curiosity was sated, upon receipt of a follow-up JDate e-mail, subject line “just curious.” I opened it up to find the same fucking message he sent me a few months back: “I am just curious why you declined? If it is because you are busy that is fine or is it something else? Could you please tell me because I am trying to figure out how the woman mind works when it comes to online dating?” It is a form letter! For fucking serious? I am almost insulted! I mean, how could he have forgotten my previous response? I thought I was unforgettable! Guess I’m just yet another skinny bitch.

I was tempted to respond—with the link to my blog. Instead, I probably should have employed a tactic I had overlooked the first time: sending him back a picture of his ugly ass (I mean “ass” figuratively, although I have no doubt that his literal ass is ugly). If you knew what he looked like, it would be self-explanatory.

Oh, hey, I’m a bitch. I know that I omit identifying details and shit but this is too good to pass up. And, seriously, I’m offended by this guy’s messaging sloppiness (i.e., the fact that he sent duplicate messages, which is probably only symptomatic of the sheer number of women he has to message to obtain any kind of response). Meet Larry:

I simply don’t understand his tactic for attaining women. Does it work? Do women pity him, upon reading his not-so-subtle sob story implying that he has difficulty enticing potential suitors, and feel guilted into giving him a second chance (more than a glance)? If so, do they reconsider out of fear of confronting their own superficiality or because he makes himself seem like the kind of guy who is willing and eager to work on himself? Actually, the message was not exactly the same as his previous message: He took out the word “physical,” as to avoid getting direct, pointed feedback from bitches like me.

If Larry gets results with his earnest, ponderous questions, then, while we are at it, here are some edits I would like to propose for my profile: “I’m looking for a: man who will make me less horny and lonely,” or, alternately, “I’m looking for a: man to make me less horny and lonely.” The latter is more agentic and less romanticized. Bet that would work. Honest and expedient, yessir. Sometimes it’s nice to be a woman. Oh, also: “My ideal relationship: Someone who will have sex with me and look pretty. Smelling pretty is important, too; people underestimate the importance of scent in attracting a mate.”

And now I will leave you with some choice quotes from Larry’s profile:

“Sorry for the misdirection but please know Westchester is closer to NY than LI.”

You are attempting to entice me by comparing Westchester to Lawn Gisland? Tres lowly reference for comparison! I’d rather move to the Bronx. Thanks for, at least, admitting that Westchester is not “New York.” Look, we both know that the only advantage Westchester has over Long Island is that Grand Central is, for lack of a better word, grand, while Penn Station is positively frightening.

“Attraction to me is somewhat physical but more personality, emotional, affectionate, and an individual. I never judge a book by its cover.”

Of course you would not judge a person by her appearance. If only you had the privilege to be discriminate in this regard.  He goes on to say that he wants a person “that has a great smile.” Which would only preclude—the British? I would say something cheesy, like “a smile is the window to the heart,” but, in his case, it is primarily the window to the stomach.

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