The Shallow End (May 18th, 2013)
Part 1: The Scheme
Two years ago at our friend’s birthday party, I was introduced to Clyde McManus and his big, swigin’ dick. Upon receiving this year’s invite, a silly grin slapped across my face and wicked machinations ran rampant through my empty head—and even emptier vagina. I knew we couldn’t have sex. Even I’m not that irresponsible. Couldn’t face internal injury after having my insides cut up and rearranged. But I wanted to suck him so badly. And doubted my self-control. Hans was an apt decoy. He wanted to be small cock humiliated and would submit to my fancies. I planned to tie him to a chair while I sucked Clyde (“you can look, but you can’t touch”), then straddle the chair and make him lick Clyde’s cum off me, and finally use him as a human dildo. When I say “planned,” I don’t mean “fantasized.” I went as far as locating my rope (which I own for non-sexual purposes) to make sure it was handy, attempting to recreate the figure-8 knot I learned in rock climbing class, and speculating on search terms that would yield helpful instructional videos. GKF: always prepared. I wanted the “scene” to seem seasoned and sophisticated. Like a purchase from Jeff Goldblum’s pretentious knot store. Except less farcical and more functional.
I figured Clyde would be down for whatever. He’d be happy to get his dick sucked, and the extra party would only up the kink factor. The issue was getting Hans to show up. How does one coax a hermit out of his cave? If he didn’t get loaded ahead of time, would he even be any fun? Or would he be too anxious to get hard? I contemplated whether to tell him in advance or to text him once I was already there and tempt him with the material reality of elephant cock—an offer he’d be foolish to refuse. Drop whatever you are doing! Drop your pants! Behold Clyde McManus and his big, swingin’ dick. Knew Hans would be home alone on a Friday night anyway.
My hopes and dreams were dashed mere days before the scheme unfolded; Clyde posted on facebook that he was scheduled for emergency hernia surgery. Sent him well wishes to plant the seed for future encounters. I mean, because I’m a nice person who totally cares about other people’s bodies beyond their utility to me.
You know how when you are a kid, adults threaten if you keep stretching out your face to make funny faces, it will permanently get stuck in that position? Fun to consider whether fucking Clyde could land me in a ceaseless sex grimace. Two fuckings have already aged me considerably. Crow’s feet. Elephant’s cock.
Part 2: The Blog
The night of Paul’s party, Hans messaged me.
Hans: just smiling at you
Me: The other night I fucked a guy you might know, and I thought about you. Like, while we were fucking. It was so boring.
[I know he reveled in the implication.]
Me: I think I mistakenly told him that he might have to be gentle with me.
Hans: oh yeah? I’m sorry to hear it wasn’t fun, but at least you’re getting fucked
[NO THANKS TO YOU!]
Hans: you ever get those cock pix?
Me: Is that why you texted me? For pics of a big cock? This is the most pathetic okcupid relationship ever, ha ha.
Hans: haha, no, I enjoy our sexy conversations
Me: I would enjoy them more in person. Getting smiley face flirted with makes me feel like I am ten years old.
Me: I feel like we should fuck or not exchange emoticons. This is getting beyond ridiculous.
Hans: ok, what about exchanging dick pix? did I show you my blog?
Me: Ha ha, no you didn’t
OMG A GUY I HOOKED UP WITH HAS A SEX BLOG!?! HA HA HA, HILARIOUS! BEING WRITTEN ABOUT: JUST WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED! Except it wasn’t that kind of sex blog. It was a tumblr where he (re)posted photos of his tiny flaccid penis; photos of big black cocks (like veiny, disgustingly large, deformed ones); photos of men being fucked by women wearing strap-ons (hot!); memes about cuckolding; pleas to jerk off with strangers on skype; and offers to hand out pics of his ex so the aforementioned strangers could vividly describe how they plan to pound her with their monster cocks. He describes himself as a sexually fluid, single, 26-yo kinkster, musician and intellectual who is into cuckoldry, small penis humiliation, big cocks, femdom, strap-ons, and the female form. Somehow, when anyone uses the word “femdom,” I think of those fembots from Austin Powers. Also, it is an inherently sexist term like “manwhore” or “career woman.” Obviously, I’m into female domination, though. I almost feel like the strap-on thing is too perfect. Like I’m glad I wrote about (and he read about) my interest in fucking him with my husband dildo in this post. Otherwise, if I suggested such an activity after reading his blog, it might have seemed contrived. Here’s a quotation from my post: “Last year I bought a strap-on, and pretty much my life dream is fucking a guy with my husband dildo. He’d have to be very cooperative with me for me to lend him my husband. Would be the ultimate seedy underbelly of NYC private schools. Mmm.”
Me: Wow, that’s quite a blog. Maybe even more daring than mine.
Me: So how many people you know in real life read this?
Me: I like that you put on a girl’s underwear, btw.
Hans: I dunno yours is pretty daring. see, no one I know reads it.
Me: Ah, I see.
Hans: this girl left them, she still wants them back. and flirts w me despite having a bf.
Me: So you like watching strap ons or getting fucked w a strap on?
Hans: I’m certainly open to try it
Me: Did you send her the pic to tease her?
Me: Did she have a bf when you fucked?
Hans: I didn’t send her the pic, but it just occurred to me to do it, she did not have a bf when we fucked, but found me right afterwards, even though we had been seeing each other for a few weeks. she told me how her bf has a big cock.
Me: Have you had ppl put stuff up your butt before? Fingers?
Hans: no one’s ever put stuff up my butt except me.
Me: It’s sooo much better when someone else does it. Ass play isn’t really something you can do to yourself.
Hans: ha, I’ll take your word for it
Me: I’m pretty sure you measure your dick from the wrong side. You’d get a smaller number if you measured it properly.
Hans: which side?
Me: You should measure it from the underside, like where the base meets your balls.
Hans: it’s hard to stay so small when I’m measuring, lol
Me: Most people aim to be as big as possible while measuring
Hans: haha I know
Me: Your pic from december 19 is incredible. You got your penis to like swallow itself.
Me: I got to measure two boyfriends
Hans: fun, big?
Me: The first was 6.5 but his dick was nasty…
Me: My most serious bf was exactly 7 and his cock was gorgeous. Had to mock him to get him to let me measure him…
Me: He told me he didn’t want a number on it, like he couldn’t be categorized. And I said something like, “ohhh, yeah, your music taste is eclectic and you make experimental music. You defy boundaries.”
Me: I never really wanted pix while we were dating but I did end up with these goofy pics of him drinking beer on a toilet in aa hotel. He is still half hard bc we had just fucked and cum was dripping off me as I took the pic…
Me: After we broke up, I used to look at those pics and cry bc ill prob never find a guy with such a beautiful, high functioning cock again who actually loves me.
Hans: woa, you really love the cock huh
Me: One of my [high school] classmates, who I got off to for many many years, asked me to send her pics of my trip and I sent her one of my bf on the toilet and she sent a msg back saying something like “oh my, now I know why you are dating him”
Hans: fuck that’s hot!
Me: I do, but for the record I think most of the pics of big cocks you posted are nasty. You have no taste.
Hans: I do have taste, it’s just different than yours
Me: Apparently some of my [high school] classmates, including my high school bf, were shocked I could hold down a relationship. Wasnt solely bc of his cock, he had other things going for him, but it sure helped.
Me: Point taken.
Me: Do you like girls with big clits so you look smaller relatively speaking?
Hans: hm, I’m not so into huge clits
Me: Time to go to my friend’s bday party. Thanks for giving us stuff to giggle about.
Hans: you gunna look at my blog there?
Me: Probably. If there is an appropriate occassion to whip it out.
Hans: let me know the response to my little guy
I wish I could share the link to his blog with you, fair readers. Sadly, he has cleaned it up since then. And I never took any screenshots. Wahhh. Because I believed in the permanence of perversion. Here is the last trace I found lingering on the internet. It was his tumblr avatar.
Part 3: The Party
I hadn’t seen this group of friends since before my series of surgeries. It was basically my coming out party. Oh, and it was actually my birthday. Paul steals it every year! I spilled everything. My ass bleeding. My getting cut up and rearranged. How I hadn’t gotten fucked in a year and a half until a few days ago. My delightful scheme to tie Hans up, suck Clyde’s elephant cock, and use Hans as a human dildo. How it was a win-win-win situation: Clyde would get his dick sucked; Hans would be small penis humiliated; I would be presented (gifted?) with Clyde’s trophy penis without having to worry about internal injury and would get fucked like it’s the first time, like it’s the first time, woo! Then I exposed the sad, sad truth: My seamless plans had been foiled when Clyde posted about his impending hernia surgery. And he was planning to spend the entire summer in Europe after recovering. Sigggh.
YOU KNOW WHY I STOPPED YOU?
I CAN’T SLOW DOWN
-Zero DeZire, It’s My Birthday (Remix)
Paul’s response was, “Wow, you’ve jumped straight into the deep end. I mean, the shallow end.” He added that the good news was since my surgery, I could have irresponsible sex with Clyde. I was like, “Huh, what do you mean? He was inhumanely big for me before and now I’m more fragile inside.” Paul explained, “ But now you have more room inside you—fewer organs. It cuts both ways.” Ha ha, “cuts.” Nothing like a little surgery humor! Remember when we were in middle school and there was that rumor about Marilyn Manson getting a rib removed to suck his own cock? Suppose one could have their colon removed to accommodate big cock. Previously I had only considered it as an extreme weight loss strategy.
I produced Hans’ blog. Though Paul claimed birthday immunity, he directed me to an eager group of female friends as a consolation. That’s how I make introductions at social gatherings: by pulling out small penis blogs. They were a rapt audience. Paul’s girlfriend, Sadie, asked me if Hans could wear a strap-on to make up for his shortcomings. Fuck, he woulda loved to hear that. I was like, “No, no, it isn’t even small. He just wants it laughed at.” As proof, I showed her the following picture. She was totally into his back crevice and all of the girls agreed he was hot. Also that he was not small at all. Which makes his obsession all the more laughable.
I offered Hans the affirmation he requested:
Me: “I have immunity against seeing pics of other guys’ small penises: it’s my birthday!”
Me: These girls thought you were cute and one liked a pic where she could see your back crevice
Me: You should have come here so you could get peoples rxns in person
Me: Not very humiliating from afar
Hans: oh man, I would love that 🙂
Me: Too bad lux isn’t still here. The fleshbot editor.
Me: Dove parlour on thompson street
Me: Btw bleeker ande 3rd
Me: Think well be here for a while longer
Hans: oh man, then where?
Me: I mean ppl are still here
Hans: hm, I didn’t expect to go out so late, I was thinking about going to bed, are you guys just going to hang there?
Me: Yeah I mean nothing super exciting
Hans: except the prospect of public humiliation 😉
Hans: it wouldn’t be wired if I showed up? there are dudes there?
Me: Yeah, dudes and chicks
Hans: we should go to someone’s house and all of us play 🙂
Hans: i would love to jerk off in front of all the girls while they tell me what they think of my cock
Me: Ha ha, yeah, doubt that’s gonna happen
Hans: one can dream 🙂
Me: So ur just gonna stay home and jerk off and be pathetic?
Hans: I’m already in my underwear, ugghh
Me: Yeah, I knew you couldn’t deliver
Me: Thanks for being a novelty that never happened
Me: One girl requests a dick pick in real time in compensation for her disappointment
Hans: oh the girls wanted to meet me?
Hans: my camera is fucked, so it’s all pink. you can see a bit of precum tho
Me: Mmm I like precum
[See: this beautiful blog]
Hans: hehe, i know you do. I didn’t know there was public interest to have me in attendance.
Me: There was but guess you blew it
Hans: you’ve seen how awkward I can be tho, it just gets worse with more people
Me: [pic of me and friends with caption “giggling peeps”]
Me: So you’re telling me you’re completely useless in person
I swore to Paul that I was done with him; he was all talk and no play. Paul retorted, “You don’t want to cut him off. Not that there’s anything to cut off.”
Part 4: Get Real
On my way home, I offered some constructive criticism. As a public service to prospective dick pic recipients.
Me: As much as I appreciate your amateur pornography attempts, and especially the inclusion of cum, your pics would be way hotter if they weren’t male POV.
Me: I’d like to look at it from the angle I’d most likely be looking at it if I licked it.
Hans: good point, it’s just difficult to get that angle
The next day, he engaged me further.
Hans: no new blog entries?
Me: About you?
Hans: haha, no just in general. I assume you’ll wait till after another disastrous encounter transpires btwn us.
Me: I’ve obv given up on disastrous encounters with you since you’ve made it clear you’d prefer to jerk off with creepy strangers on the internet than have physical contact with actual human beings.
I suppose he offered me the link to his blog in a desperate attempt to retain my attention. The dick pics were a source of amusement and he sort of got the point. But just like how with Hipster Dave I can always tell my vagina from any other body part, I can always distinguish dick pix from a real, live one (I caught a live one!) It’s this neat talent I have. You can only dangle your cock in front of my face for so long in deferral. I mean, it doesn’t even dangle; it bobbles!
There’s only one thing left to say: Thanks for the arousal; now where’s the cock?