NEED NOT APPLY
I’m immature when it comes to a lot of things, but especially when it comes to handjobs. The reason is simple: Handjobs are hilarious. It’s not possible to give one with a straight face when that face belongs to me. It is perhaps the most awkward motion to endeavor ever for someone not in possession of a penis. It is sloppy shake weights, and it is way too much work for so little payoff.
—Tracy Moore, “What Is a ‘Sophisticated Handjob,’ and Isn’t It an Oxymoron?”
My entire month of October was wasted by some sheltered, dirty blonde Minnesotan—from the district next to Michelle Bachmann’s—who led me on, refused to have sex with me, pontificated incessantly on why he wasn’t “ready,” and, worse yet, requested handies in the place of blowies. Which is so undignified and provoked my righteous indignation. Because I am not sixteen. My arms are such feeble twigs that I was allocated my very own pediatric blood pressure cuff in the hospital. Hand jobs be tiring. And Jews do not do manual labor. After I earned at least minimum wage in his handywoman training program, The Minnesotan let me go—told me he just wanted to be friends.
Back to the dating drawing board I went, Etch A Sketching a revised blueballprint. I’m with Tracy Moore’s friend: “If we’re gonna get spit everywhere I may as well just use my mouth like an adult.” Flexing my fist-pumping forearms, I put the kibosh on Eych-Jays, declaring The War On BJs over: BJ haterz need not apply! Figured that wouldn’t be a divisive issue, a dating dealbreaker, a discriminatory criterion; The Minnesotan’s grievances were 100% psychological and rather specific—Christian guilt mixed with virginal self-consciousness and social awkwardness. Besides, I’d miss penis-in-mouth too much. Mmm, penis-in-mouth.
Until my adventures in internet dating, I assumed wanting a mouth wrapped around one’s cock was a given. Not something about which one was lukewarm, neither here nor there. Take it or leave it, I’m leaving you if you don’t want it. And I can, because my desires are not niche. Just like I don’t need to special order a guy who is not grossed out by his own semen, I don’t need to send out a search party or join FetLife to locate a dude who wants to be blown. Latitude and longitude coordinates: 40 degrees 47’ N; 73 degrees 58’ W.
Luckily, okcupid has match questions I can sift through to pre-screen for sexual compatibility. The most important to me is: “Could you respect someone after having sex with them on the first meeting/date?” The best elaboration on “yes” I’ve come across was something like: “Who are these self-hating guys who sleep with women they don’t respect?” Duh, you have no self-respect if you engage in an activity that you think renders participants unrespectable. Similarly, “Very experienced” is the only reasonable answer to “In terms of sex, how experienced would your ideal mate be (with people other than you)?” In terms of maintenance, repairs, and construction, how experienced would you like your handyperson to be? Only slightly experienced? No, you’d prefer the person with the most experience!? Very well then, let’s move on. Another useful question is: “Which pubic hair style do you prefer for a partner?” Guys who want girls completely shaven are out of the picture. Practical matters aside, I’ve found that guys with that preference: a) don’t like vagina, b) don’t like women (i.e., are misogynists), c) are sexual prisses, or d) are trendfollowers to the extent that fashion precedes function. None of these traits is attractive to me. “Neatly trimmed,” please. My elaboration: “let’s both groom but not get carried away. people should still look and smell like (adult) humans.” To settle the bizarre matter of ‘to blow or not to blow,’ there is the hypothetical question: “Imagine that your partner does not enjoy performing oral sex and refuses to ever perform it on you. How disappointed would you be?” “Extremely disappointed” is the only acceptable answer. THE. ONLY. ANSWER. As I explain, “the more excited someone is about giving, the more excited I am about receiving.” If someone selects the radio button for “Somewhat disappointed”—or, god forbid, “Not at all disappointed”—and I like their profile otherwise, I request clarification. Hoping they clicked on the wrong thing accidentally or are trying to increase their dating prospects deceitfully.
Lying is more palatable—less of an affront—than snubbing blowies.
Nothing makes me feel completely contented like giving a winning blowjob, a job well done. On occasion, upon finishing, one of my BFs shook like a girl and congratulated me, “Genie, you’ve outdone yourself again.” Yes, yes I have. Thank you, ladies and gentleman, hold your applause: you are too kind. I need to bask in that glow—be pacified by pretty penis.
January 1st, 2014
Happy new year! This seems like a good way to start it off. After all, it’s not too often that you come across a tomboyish, pragmatic firecracker with a penchant for hegemony and indie pop.
Seriously, though, you really stood out from the flood of profiles on here, and I just wanted to say hello. What was it like growing up in the city, and can you imagine living somewhere else again?
It was nice to see all the ‘90s classics and Moonrise and spacial efficiency among your favorite things. But the real clincher was your focus on openness. I value that a lot in myself and others, and it’s a pretty rare quality to find, especially in this town.
OK, just kidding. It was really the colorful attire. I’m just a total sucker for a chick who knows how to coordinate her hues, if you know what I mean.
So what sort of mindless catharsis have you been pursuing lately? And have you chosen between med school and troll beautician yet? How have you been pragmatic lately, and how have you been absurd?
Hope things are going well,
January 8th, 2014
You seem cute from your photos, I appreciate the effort you put into your message, and I dug your profile except for one small thing. In your answer to one of the sex questions, you implied that you could do without blowjobs and said that you are more into giving than receiving in that regard. I know that sounds like every girl’s dream, but that is sort of a dealbreaker for me.
I appreciate the honesty and candor. We’ve all got our things that matter.
What about this? We meet up, head immediately into blowjobs, and see how things go. If that works out, then we can get to know one another better, instead of wasting all that time on pointless conversation beforehand.
Seriously, though, I didn’t mean to imply that blowjobs aren’t enjoyable or fun, but I don’t usually orgasm from them, for whatever that revelation is worth.
Regardless, good luck with the whole thing. I’d be down for a drink sometime if you change your mind.
Ha, brilliant proposal. Sadly, though, I could never be satisfied in a blowjobless relationship or an orgasmless-blowjob relationship. Would be a huge disappointment for both of us.
Say la vee.
I deserve better. I deserve a nice hot load shot down my throat or spattered over my chest. C’est la vie; Pete isn’t for me.
I’m a huge hypocrite for hating on bj haters because I’m less than enthused about being eaten out. Everyone has their preferences! In fact, one of the major problems with The Minnesotan was that he loved burying his face in pussy but hated being sucked, while I love sucking and am somewhat indifferent to and eventually annoyed by having my clit licked. Cruel world!
Sure, it feels great for a while. And it is insulting if someone won’t do it. I think of it as preparation, rather than an independent event. A side dish, rather than a meal. Steak and potatoes complement one another; yet no one wants crumbly potatoes without a nice, juicy steak. How bland. When someone’s face has been wedged between my legs for an extended period of time, it is snooze, snoozzze. I think of things to do: the license plate game (erg, no good: no visuals), statistics homework, my nails. After those things fail to occupy me, I entertain myself with an extra layer of abstraction: ranking my distraction tasks in levels of absurdity. Otherwise, I can’t help but think about the mechanics and how things aren’t progressing quickly enough, and that pretty much guarantees that things won’t progress. Eager, impatient, restless, resigned: I wonder how much longer until there is a penis inside my vagina.
February 15th, 2014
When did you know you were a hipster?
I knew when I bought my first pair of skinny jeans and wanted all of my jeans to fit my legs like that.
This isn’t satire, btw
When I started wearing “hipster costumes” to parties in industrial buildings in brooklyn. Realized hipsters were all about irony so by self-consciously dressing like one, I was one. I used to use the term “meta hipster,” but I think meta is redundant.
Should have prob come to the realization in middle school, thought. At my preppy private school we were limited to wearing solid colored or argyle sweaters, and I opted for argyle.
She Comes First: that’s a classic!
I laughed aloud at meta being redundant. And it is.
I’ll be honest and admit I am still in the middle of it. I haven’t gotten to the “meat” of part two where he really describes the techniques. Part one establishes the premise “she won’t cum if you fuck her, you should probably eat her out” and “hey, there is a clit and it is great, but also the clit is everywhere. And also, don’t sweat the g-spot too much (and it’s a clit too(!))”. The second part that I’ve gotten to has mostly been a recap of part one, assuming you skipped over it to get to part two. As a person who enjoys it, it’s a little like preaching to another preacher. I am glad this book exists though and look forward to suggesting it to friends who I don’t have the time to explain that to.
Are you a fan of shower beers? I’m about to enjoy one now. Mmm.
Oh no, the premise of the book sounds terrible then. I feel like it should say “ask her what she likes;” not “girls like oral but not sex” or “the point of sexual encounters is orgasms.” To be honest, I’ve never read it. This guy I used to hook up with in college brought it to my apt once and when I skimmed it, it seemed to give instructions on something he was good at [the “come hither motion] so I figured the techniques worked. I personally get very perturbed when guys try to force orgasms on me or tell me how my body should work.
What is a beer shower?
For the record, I find oral completely unsatisfying. Doesnt matter how skilled or enthusiastic the guy is. Also for me the gspot is of the utmost importance.
To be fair, I’m simplifying 80 pages in a few sentences. It’s pretty good in that it points to research (70% of women don’t orgasm through vaginal penetration so when he cums and falls asleep, she isn’t satisfied) and education (a lot of guys don’t even like oral sex, the argument is “you probably should if she is going to have an orgasm”). It’s been an interesting read. It does seem that he is writing from a biased perspective with the sources. It’s more than a grain of salt though.
You find it unsatisfying? That’s interesting. Not painful, just not satisfying? I would say I have a passing interest in receiving. It’s nice but it won’t get me there the way other things will.
I see. By the way, the 70% you state isn’t quite accurate. It’s that 70% don’t regularly orgasm from penetration alone. But the way it is phrased is super ambiguous. Not sure how it is phrased in the actual studies, but it isn’t like penetration and clitoral stimulation are mutually exclusive.
Not painful. Just boring. Like it is an exciting step towards sex, but not a main event for me. I lose interest after less than 5 mins. I get impatient. Hmm, don’t know if I could get excited about a guy who didn’t love blowjobs.
If I recall the study, it was vaginal penetration without clitoral stimulation. A “look ma no hands” orgasm. Which is silly, because depending on the position, one of you could reach down and stimulate it.
I’ve enjoyed a few. There is a lot of timidness around it. I suppose I would say I’m the same way you are about receiving, but I can enjoy it for longer. I enjoy the idea as much as the stimulation. Although there have been a few times when it was as good as sex.
Timidness? Like you are self conscious? I like the idea of having someone’s face between my legs, but the physical sensation does very little for me.
One of my biggest problems receiving is the lack of visuals. Like staring at the top of a dude’s head isn’t so exciting.
Oh, I’m not timid, I’m not shy about sex much at all. I’m pretty open. But there is a timidness I’ve noticed about those approaching blowjobs.
A tongue on you clit is different that a finger? I’m not being critical, just curious.
Ok. So you are a visual person. I can relate to that.
Interesting. Yeah, obvs fingers and tongues are totally different. Otherwise they would receive the same acclaim. Fingers are way harder. Tongues are flimsy. Then there is the visual aspect of being able to interact more while being fingered.
Wait, I don’t think you’ve explained the beer thing yet.
I didn’t. I was just thinking about it. A shower beer is a cold beer you bring into the shower.
Ohhh, well I actually can’t drink beer because I have a weird digestive disease. But back in the day I did occasionally drink beer in the shower. I still sometimes eat food in the bath. Was inspired by the movie Gummo.
Not liking oral is such a bother. Men love to turn it into a situation.
Some can’t get over my inadvertently dissing their skillz (it’s not you; it’s me!), and selfishly take me on as a “challenge,” a sexual charity case. Their fragile egos take precedence over my pounding pleasure. I humor them for a time, as they rummage through my vagina aimlessly. Halfway through their hapless quest for self-esteem, before they begin to scrape the bottom of the barrel, I’m tempted to make a scene, to and… scene. To break the monotony by yelling, “BINGO!” B 24, C 39: come on down and claim your prize!
Others assume I’m emotionally defective, modest—tee hee! Either I’m scared of losing control to the almighty penis master, or I’m self-conscious about the way I smell or look “down there.” Men: official, government-approved arbiters of sexual truth. Paternalistic, they know best.
Um, no, I love smelling myself and I love thinking about someone sniffing my crotch hungrily like he’s a drooly doggie going after the bacon bits. But then there is the lackluster physical sensation. Oh well.
It’s a delicate balance: finding someone who loves, craves, and worships my vagina (I’m bored if he is), but isn’t offended when I brush him off, dismiss him, move on. I need a man who takes more pleasure in pleasing than parts.
In one of my favorite “Slutever” columns, Karley Sciortino advises a woman whose dipshit boyfriend won’t eat her out, despite the fact that she loves blowing him and attempted to accommodate his vagina squeamishness (phobia?) by waxing upon request.
Why don’t you try hiding your boyfriend’s dinner in your vagina and then telling him to go find it? Or if you don’t cook, just hide something really important of his in there, like his X-box or something.
The problem you’re having seems to be a problem for lots of girls, because guys are generally lazy as fuck in bed. (FYI guys, if you refuse to go down on your gf, she will no doubt tell all of her friends, which means there will be groups of girls all around town talking about how shit you are in bed.) In this case, your boyfriend is just being a selfish baby… Perhaps you should remind your bf (in the nicest way possible) that his dick doesn’t taste like a fucking ice cream cone.
If you communicate all of this to him and he still refuses to go down on you, then maybe you should try not giving him head for a while. Give him a taste of his own medicine. This may kind of suck for you, because you said you like doing it, but the absence of BJs might make him relate to your desires a bit more. And if all else fails just talk about how great your exes were at eating your pussy, and how because he’s not satisfying you you’ve become obsessed with the ideas of fucking other guys. Scare him. Scare him real good.
—Karley Sciortino, “Sexytime Talk: Nude Selfies and Waxing Your Own Butthole”
CourtneyShane comments insightfully:
Seriously. That situation has nowhere to go but downhill. She’ll stop giving him head because she’s unsatisfied, and he’s just going to whine about not getting head. If the wax didn’t do it, and he’s not inclined to open up about what his actual problem is, then her choices are to stay in a mutually unsatisfying relationship, to partially satisfy herself and fully satisfy him by resuming blow jobs knowing she will never get any head, or BREAK UP WITH HIM and get sexy with someone who gives back.
Also: Nobody should do something they really don’t want to do, but someone who has a strong aversion to the fucking basics just has to live with the fact they’re bad in bed, as far as I’m concerned. If a woman is so utterly grossed out by dick that she refuses to go down on a guy at all, not even a little bit, she’s bad in bed. If a guy is so utterly grossed out by cuca that he refuses to go down on a girl at all, not even a little bit, he’s bad in bed. That doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there who doesn’t WANT to receive oral who would be perfectly happy with that guy or girl, it just means that guy or girl is going to leave a lot of partners frustrated and unsatisfied early in relationships with most people.
True that. Someone who isn’t down with the basics is bad in bed. Point blank.
Does that apply equally to someone who feels meh about receiving the basics? Hope not!
There is no point in continuing to hook up with someone who isn’t into pleasing you, regardless of whether or not they are willing to reciprocate out of a sense of obligation. I can easily distinguish between someone who is feigning enthusiasm and a rabid dog. The more excited a partner is about giving, the more excited I am about receiving. Their excitement excites me. It is a positive feedback loop.
Stoya offers sound advice on how to give The Best BJ:
[E]ven if your sexual partner(s) have the same genitals that you do, you can’t… feel what they’re feeling. Everyone has preferences for which parts of their bodies are stimulated and what ways they are stimulated in. The amount of lubrication that’s just right for one guy is too slippery for another and kind of chafes a third… The only effective way I know of to figure out what feels good to another person is to communicate about it. Some people make communication pretty easy by volunteering information… Other people are less naturally vocal or comfortable, so you may need to try things and then gently prompt them for feedback or discussion…”
—Stoya, “Stoya on the Metaphysics of Cocksucking”
Let’s add enthusiasm to communication and experimentation.
I cannot relate AT ALL to people who don’t like pleasing (the members of) the sex to which they are allegedly attracted. Like, if you don’t like penis-in-mouth, doesn’t that mean you don’t like penis, which means you aren’t that into men? Or sex? Or whatever? I’m not even prepared for sex without getting someone’s cock wet first—that opens my vag right up. Makes me hungry. Salivation is my salvation.