The Herps: Postmortem

So Worth It

July 27th, 2014

 

When we were through, I thought about how it was good enough so that even if I acquired a minor social disease from him, it still woulda been worth it. Which is how I felt about Clyde, though less so because he isn’t my physical prototype or even my type—and I am shallow. Totally a reasonable criterion for being unsafe: if the consequences are worth it, bang on, fair soldier! I almost wanted it to be the herps to prove to myself how mature I am, not freaking out over my maimed vag. Given my degenerative intervertebral disc, let’s agree that the only kinda mature I am is old and creaky. Guess that beats being crusty. My sore disappeared, did not crust over. Today I got a voicemail with the results of the swab: normal. The word swab: cringeworthy. I feel so My So-Called Life about that.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Angela: Okay, so I have a zit.
I have a zit on my chin.
It’s not the end of the world.
Exactly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Patti: Did you put some of that cream on your pimple?

Angela: Mom!

Danielle: Let me see! [sees] Yuck!

Angela: Mom, can we not talk about my skin, please?

Pattie: Fine. You know what you really should do? Soak a washcloth in some steaming hot water, apply it very gently to your chin. Make sure you have a swab to clean- [actually is the way to go]

Angela: Mom!

Patti: What? I’m trying to help.
What is wrong?

Angela: Just the word—”swab.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

MSCL, The Zit

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Aspiring Slut

August 8th, 2014

 

As my parents drove me to the airport, for some inexplicable reason we had the following conversation, which started with my mom talking about traits of specific fraternities and sororities:

 

Me: I always thought it was funny that SDT was the jappy/slutty sorority. Because it sounds like STD.

Mom: I wonder why that is.

Me: You mean how they got that reputation?

Mom: Yeah, because when I was at Ohio State [in the late 60’s], it was like that.

Mom: My boyfriend at the time told me I wasn’t one of them; I didn’t want to be associated with girls like that.

Me: He didn’t want you to get a reputation.

Mom: Yeah, and I guess he was right: I didn’t have what it took to be one of those girls. I tried out and they didn’t want me.

Me: You were just aspiring.

Dad: An aspiring slut. Mom was an aspiring slut.

 

Who are you, family, and where have you been my whole life?

My name is Genie and I come from a short line of aspiring sluts.

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in the herps: postmortem. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s