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Author Archives: indefenseofgettingoff
Face Fuck, Part 3
Face Fuck, Part 3 August, 2014 AFTER HOURS After the show it’s the afterparty, then, After the party it’s the hotel lobby, then —R Kelly, Fiesta Blind Barber I climb into an uber car with the groom’s brother … Continue reading
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Body Horror, Part 1: Subversive Smiley Face
Body Horror, Part 1: Subversive Smiley Face September 5th, 2014: Awaiting Back Surgery Would-be Medical Massacre Gearing up for my next medical mutilation, I’m attempting to think of it as a revamping. An upgrade. So I’m not so mangled … Continue reading
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Face Fuck, Part 2
Face Fuck, Part 2 August, 2014 WEDDING At our distant cousin Cleo’s wedding, Laura grilled me about guys I might want to get to know, pointing out some handsome spray-tanned douche in unironic seersucker and emphatic pink. Either she … Continue reading
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Face Fuck, Part 1
Face Fuck, Part 1 August, 2014 Ask two Jews, get three opinions. —Jewish Proverb Three Opinions, All mine 1) Late July I had a stern talk with myself: You need to get over yourself and get fucked. Mediocre sex is … Continue reading
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Adventures in Anti-Depression, Part 1
Adventures in Anti-Depression, Part 1 June 2014 Antidepressants will be the death of me. They don’t work on me like they work on normal people, murdering my libido. No matter how drained I am of life drive, my sex … Continue reading
Retroactive Interference
So Retro August 8th, 2014 Compared to my sex life at age twenty-four, Lena Dunham’s Girls is an afterschool special. Gratuitous sex? Yes ma’am! Cautionary tale? Not quite. The summer after my first year in grad school (2009), I had … Continue reading
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The Herps: Postmortem
So Worth It July 27th, 2014 When we were through, I thought about how it was good enough so that even if I acquired a minor social disease from him, it still woulda been worth it. Which is how … Continue reading
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Femme Fatale
Fatalism, Nihilism, Rock ‘n Roll (in the Bret Easton Ellis sense) April 13th, 2014 Andrew: I have never had an online connection lead to anything once. Me: Seriously? Not even awkward sex? Andrew: Zero. Isn’t that strange? Andrew: Like, … Continue reading
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The Herps, Part 5: Resolution, There Will Be Blood
July 24th, 2014 Emptying my bladder and bowels for my standing-and-squatting appt, I straddled my magnifying mirror and my eyes BULGED out. Acknowledging that the sore, too, had protruded. I wondered what Frank the Physical Therapist would think … Continue reading
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The Herps, Part 4: Resignation, The Appt
July 23rd, 2014 I pondered how it could have happened. I mean, guys, I know that facts of life. But it has been TWO MONTHS SINCE I’VE TOUCHED A PENIS. Deep breaths, deeeeep breaths. A weekish after I slept with … Continue reading
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