I get down on my knees, I’d do anything for you


I read this hideous top-ten list of songs about female masturbation. Clearly, Divinyls has the only popular song featuring female masturbation. Such a classic that in the My-So-Called life episode where Angela sneaks out and goes to an early ’90s Buffalo Tom party to see Jordan, the Divinyls music video is playing in the background. Music videos playing in the background at parties: so antiquated.

What makes this top-ten list truly hideous isn’t the lack of songs fitting the criteria (I will comment on Janet Jackson’s If, another classic, in a later post); it is the inane comments. Who invented this media format with an instant response option, anyway? Don’t you know that only intelligent and creative people should have a forum in which to express themselves?

Also, can’t someone make an article listing the top-ten videos to get off to? Utility, anyone, anyone?

Janet Jackson’s If would make the cut on that one too.

Comment that I hate #1: “Hey, so interestingly enough, I was masturbating while reading this page – but it was coincidental. Also, this is making me wonder if I am the only one who uses the computer to non pornographic ends while masturbating..” -Philosophress

Dear Philosophress,

You are not special. That is not interesting. You probably masturbate while reading articles about masturbation because people masturbate all the time, especially while they are doing a whole lot of nothing like pretending to do their homework and/or wasting time online reading top-ten lists. Stop noting coincidences in order to feel significant. This is not like when I was in middle school and cut myself to Nine Inch Nail’s Hurt. That was way more hardcore and intentional. Your situation is tantamount to the ex Jew for Jesus in Bill Maher’s Religulous explaining how he believes in God because God grants miracles like when he prayed for it to rain and it did. I bet you also wonder why your mom only walks in at inconvenient times. This is because a) people only note notable situations and ignore ones that are insignificant or don’t confirm their pre-existing belief systems, and b) people masturbate all the time! Go philosophize about something else, Carry Bradshaw.



I thought this person aimed to make an announcement that she masturbates (like, “I’m here, I’m Queer!”) like how when a guy calls up Lovelines and asks a questions about hurting his girlfriend with his enormous penis, Adam knows he is calling to announce that he has a huge cock. Except, then I read someone’s empathetic response, “Yup, I’ve done this too. Many activities can be combined with self-pleasure when you’re a busy person. :).”-FrannyG Really, people have the ability to multitask? All the time I have waste–I could have actually enjoyed doing my homework! Earth-shattering!

I could not take these inane comments, especially the ones that purported to be insightful or, at least, revelatory: Let’s compare our notes. Thank God I’m normal.

But then a legitimate cultural analysis emerged.

“In contrast to how these tunes try hard to be Sensual and Intimate, it seems like songs about male masturbation tend to be corny, dance party songs (i.e. The Vapors’ “Turning Japanese,” Violent Femmes’s “Blister in the Sun”).”-Camron

Re:”Not just songs about masturbation, all songs about sex seem to be more believable coming from women.”-whats_in_a_name

Re:Now that I think about it, most songs about male masturbation seem to be self-mocking: Longview by Green Day, Orgasm Addict by the Buzzcocks…whereas the female masturbation songs are definitely about sexual empowerment.”-Eilonwy (of the brunette hair)

First, let’s take a minute to recognize the second commenter’s wankeriffic name: I refuse to define myself, wah wah.

Must women be taken seriously sexually? Sensual and Intimate? Barf. Masturbating is perhaps the least sensual and intimate thing ever. I am sick of sexual empowerment! Must we send a message in everything we do sexually or can we simply get off? I demand self-mocking! Masturbating is fucking ridiculous. People are ridiculous. Embrace that. I can relate to Billy Joe’s lyrics more than anything. “When masturbation’s lost it’s fun, you’re fucking breaking.” Let’s not dignify that. Seriously, guys, we need to get over ourselves. It’s masturbating we are talking about here. No message necessary.

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1 Response to I get down on my knees, I’d do anything for you

  1. Plymouth says:

    Yes, fine, we are not all special snowflakes, but if everyone started their comments with “so I did this really boring thing that all of you probably do all the time” it would get real old real fast.

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