say hello to hector for me, part three

After getting off, I spent the next hour or so researching this fictitious Hector character. I googled the line, googled things like the more specific “Hector Bang Bus” and more general “Hector porn,” searched my porno folder for ideas, and popped a bang bus vid into my computer (the reason why I have it is a story for another post, but let’s just say that I refuse to get rid of it because it reminds me of a certain person and era of my life), all to no avail. I figured it must have been something I had on my computer long, long ago before the porn triage process, which was something motivated more by my desire to streamline the masturbatory process than to sanitize my computer. I rued the day when I rid myself of things that were funny, horrifying, etc., but lacked sexual utility.

At 5:16 am, out of options and full of questions, I e-mailed a male friend who is a bona fide porn connoisseur. To spare you from deciphering my illiterate, drunken e-mail, I have prepared a sobered-up version, which preserves the original meaning:

This might not be a work-appropriate q, so close it if you are at work. Tonight i might have had the most fratty, sexually repulsive experience i have had in a while. The guy told me that i made him feel like i was Michael J Fox hooked up to all of his machines. I cannot think of anything more distasteful to Michael J or myself. But i employ you out of curiosity, not sympathy. As he left, the parting sequence included: my wrapping myself in my covers saying i was ready to go to sleep (implying that i wanted to get rid of him), his taking way too long to find his clothing as if he was trying to prolong the situation, his lying next to me in bed and asking/offering “are you mad at me? let’s spoon. you can be big spoon,” and my dismissing him by saying, “No, I just want to get off an go to sleep and you are not being conducive to that.” Needless to say, he got the message and quickly got his shit together to leave, realizing I was not amused and wanted him to get his shit out of my place asap–like ten minutes before he accosted me with his loser-make-good bullshit. So, where you come into the picture is, i have this painstaking question. His parting line, following my ultimate ‘you have been rendered obsolete’-style parting line, was: “Say hello to Hector for me.” Was this some kind of porn thing that was introduced at the end of every College Fuck Fest or Bang Bus video? I feel like it was referencing some kind of collegiate, fratty porn series about which I have long forgotten. Mr. R, porn connoisseur, please refresh my memory as to this frat boy’s porno reference involving Hector. Cum fiesta, perhaps? Regardless of the specific reference, am I correct in assuming it is something equally insulting and vile?

line of the night: “i feel like i am fucking a cripple.”

When I received no immediate response, I googled some more then frantically g chatted every guy I know explaining, “This isn’t a let’s test ___’s porn knowledge question; this is a for Genie’s edification question.” No one got it. One person asked if it was a riddle. My gay ex boyfriend claimed that even he didn’t know and he watches a lot of porn. A) This is a blatant lie; I’ve seen all the porn on his computer and it in no way constitutes a lot. B) That is the gayest thing I’ve heard besides that he likes doing people up the butt; straight guys do not need to brag about the quantity of porn they watch.

Finally, the answer I had been waiting for:

OK, so first of all, WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Where did you FIND this douche?

Second…to answer your question, the only reference I could think of would be that dude “Dongzilla” or something.  I think his name is Hector and his claim to fame is that he has a monster cock.  That’s about all that I know…I think he’s from the site “monstersofcock.com“.  Either way, it’s definitely fucking offensive and that guy is a shitbag.

What happened?

Oh, and also, what a totally random diss.  Let’s just assume for a second that he meant that as an insult, what does it mean?  “Say hello to Hector for me”?  That’s kind of like saying “say hi to guys with bigger dicks that you’re sleeping with” which isn’t really an insult to you as much as an insult towards himself.

Whatever.

Lameeeee

My response:

You are my hero. First of all, for understanding my 5:16 am illiterate e-mail. Second, for solving my mystery. I was so close with Bang Bus. It is Hector from Bang Bros: Hector Strikes Again! Apparently, Bang Bus is part of the Bang Bros conglomerate. So is Monsters of Cock. Vile, fratty porn. I can’t believe I understood this reference in my state, but I suppose I matched the detestable experience to the inspiration. This guy actually did have a huge dick, so I’m not sure if he was insulting himself or not. Not that people shouldn’t be decent anyway, but I gave him amazing head, so I feel like he should have been way nicer. Yeah, um, fucking a cripple. I’m really not sure who says that. Not to mention the Michael J. Fox thing. Do cripples give amazing head? Gee, I sure hope so.

This guy, by the way, was the flabbiest guy I’ve ever been with. He wasn’t fat. Perhaps he was fat in the past? His skin like wasn’t attached to his body. Also, his eyebrows were way too far apart. I’m sure he had them professionally done.

The next morning he sent me an apology text saying he was sorry for leaving and hoped I wasn’t mad. Duh, I wanted him to leave! I hadn’t even given him my number, so he had to go out of his way to get it from our mutual friend. I am obviously texting him back inquiring about the Bang Bros reference. Let him be shocked at my porn literacy, i.e., yours. I’m pretty sure what he meant was that I’m obv a huge ho if I have to play with toys to get off (if his huge cock can’t do it for me) and I have probably been stretched out by guys like Hector. Convoluted, but plausible, no? I will leave you with a definition from Urban Dictionary:

“Dongzilla: A penis that is so fearsome that it reaks terror on all that may cross its path. You’ve been a bad girl, now I must unleash Dongzilla.”

Oh, also, do you know how to attain a copy of this “Hector Strikes Again” video? If so, can you send it to me. I am truly curious. Since when do you have to be 21 to enter porno websites? Aren’t you of age of consent at 18? I am confused. Is this like how some bars require you to be 24? No, that is so they get more upscale, expensive clientele, hardly what Monsters of Cock is looking for. Their terms of usage are a little dramatic: “I believe that as an adult it is my inalienable right to receive/view sexually explicit material.” Granted, I like porn, but is this really part of my life, liberty and pursuit of happiness? I mean, I thought I had it good with the no female genital mutilation and no getting stoned upon leaving my apartment alone thing. I Like how Florida has jurisdiction in their legal matters. Does this mean all scenes were filmed in Florida, or is the company just incorporated in Florida? My favorite part of their terms of usage: ” The videos and images in this site are intended to be used by responsible adults as sexual aids, to provide sexual education and to provide sexual entertainment.” Sexual aids? For cripples?

I get the feeling that this boy uses sexual aids. Hypocrite. Lame.

Upon disclosing the answer to the riddle, I got mixed responses from my friends:

My best friend said she hoped that my interpretation was right and agreed that it was a befitting story for my blog. We wondered if he meant for me to get the reference (How could he have expected that? He, for sure, isn’t perceptive enough to read that I am the right kind of girl.) Or if he meant for me to get that it was a reference at all. Why would someone say something undecipherable? What could he possibly get out of it? A story to tell his guy friends? Is this the proverbial donkey punch? Like he expected to go home, slap his frat boys five, and tell them that he quoted porn to some unsuspecting ho bag? What a fucking tool.

Another friend restated my interpretation more succinctly, “So, only guys like Hector can get you off,” and followed with the situation from a guy’s perspective, “He fucked you, came, kept fucking you, peed, kept fucking you. You made him feel inadequate.” He stated it as if the fucking sequence was an unheard-of feat, which is how I felt about it at the time, confused as to how Chaz could continue to be so incredibly hard. I informed him that this guy was huge, how could he possibly feel emasculated? My friend replied, “He doesn’t know.”

I explained to him that when Chaz said, “I feel like I’m fucking a cripple,” I stopped fucking him and started getting myself off, instead, “because I have some dignity,” too much to continue fucking someone like a cripple. My friend interrupted me, incredulous; “What! Genie, this is what you consider dignity? Masturbating in front of him! You should have kicked him out!” Of course, as a matter of principle, I should have. Except there existed two small, preventative details: A) I am too timid to be that confrontational and aggressive, even though I deserved to stand up for myself and he deserved to be kicked out. It seemed so extreme, like, how did it get this bad this quickly, and, wait, I am still not done! B) It was a time-sensitive manner. I figured I was already a good thirty seconds into something that would have only taken two minutes total had he not interrupted. Kicking him out would have been a laborious process, eating away at my time and energy, detracting from my arousal. God forbid, I have to start from scratch! A pragmatic and an efficient person, I wanted to take advantage of the progression in my arousal. This entailed minimal confrontation and negotiation with him until things were taken care of from my end of the deal. I needed to speed through the last two and a half minutes pre-orgasm, before anything else derailed my imperative. Then I could worry about disposing of him, although post-orgasm it might have proved more difficult to hold a grudge, even if he had been uncooperative and only served to hinder my orgasm attainment. He had already set me back a full minute with his nonsense!

Someone else urged me not to text the boy to verify my discovery, because “he’s crazy.” I wondered why the boy would be deemed “crazy,” not just a grade-A douche bag, and I came up with a couple of reasons: It is crazy to act like it is an imposition to watch someone get off. It is crazy to be so insecure that you are threatened by sex toys. It is crazy to think you have a right to be that blatantly offensive. It is crazy to think you can get away with treating a girl like she is some girl out of Bang Bus (it is bad enough that people are paid to be degraded).

It really isn’t that hard to be sexually polite. If something makes you uncomfortable, all you have to do is leave. No questions asked. It is like that middle school girl/guy party where your mom told you you could call if anything happened. Except no one has to know. I think he could have sucked it up and fucked me for a minute and a half longer; that’s all it would have taken. I fucked him for longer than I wanted to.

I did end up texting him, partially out of pride and partially out of an undying curiosity; “I suppose I’ll forgive you if you answer the following question: What does ‘Say Hello to Hector for me.’ mean? Is this a line from Bang Bus or equally vile porn?” His response couldn’t have been more disappointing; “Is that what I said when I left? I have no idea who Hector is–I kind of want to though.” It is impossible that he doesn’t know, right? He remembered that it was something he said as he was leaving. It could have been one of any number of the repulsive things he said throughout the course of the evening.

I would just like to note how fucking pathetic I find guys like Chaz. First of all, I don’t think guys like Chaz really enjoy pussy; they are only in it for the ego and penis inflation, and how inflated can your penis be without enjoying pussy. I thought I was being generous by taking the responsibility off of him and letting him kick back and enjoy watching, but apparently I was only making him feel inadequate. Not only are you pathetic if you are made to feel inadequate by a piece of plastic, but you are also engaging in a self-fulfilling prophesy. You know what my sexual preference is: guys who like watching girls get off. Actually, my sexual preference is getting off and I like anyone who is conducive to or affirming in that regard. He made it clear that he had no interest in my getting off and was only interested in me sexually insofar as he was implicated in the results. I do not perform sexually for men. I take no pleasure in getting off in front of men unless they take pleasure in watching me get off. It isn’t about giving a guy my orgasm, just like virginity isn’t something for taking. Maybe he feels like I rendered him useless, but he rendered himself his worst nightmare: I’d rather masturbate than hook up with him! In fact, fuck this fucking sexual experience that I can’t even get off too. And fuck insulting people, making them feel inadequate, to assuage your own insecurities. I daresay I call that projection. I love masturbatory company. I love boys. And I even love cock more than I love plastic, regardless of what technically makes me orgasm. Does he really think he is useless to me? I mean, why even bother with guys when I can go home every night, fuck dildos, and cuddle with my kitty.

Is it possible that guys with huge cocks are even more egomaniacal when it comes to pleasing women? Or is there some kind of interaction between having a huge cock and having a deflated ego? Oh, too many two-way ANOVAS.

I will leave you with one of Urban Dictionary’s definitions of one of the alternate spellings of ho bag: “Hoebag: A person {preferrably a woman} who ‘gets around.’ Some one who is such a hoe that their vagina has been stretched to such an extent that it can be used as a bag to carry things such as: mail, yoga balls, ipods, crayons, ect. ect.”

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