This is the most embarrassing thing I’ve written–ever! I’m seriously not this disgusting; it’s just that gay guys bring out the disgusting in you or, rather, dating a gay guy brought out the disgusting in me. It’s just like any other form of sexual restraint, i.e., religion. Restraint breeds perversion, or encourages clever methods of circumvention. This is a letter that I wrote to my gay, theatre major (well, he was theatre-lit, because he is smart) boyfriend circa 2005. He currently resides in San Francisco and is still not out. This isn’t one of those letters that I wrote and never sent. Technically I never sent it. That is because, even when I was a junior in college, I was smart enough to know that this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever written and I didn’t want it circulating among his heteronormative friends. However, I did tell him to read it on my computer, while I was sitting there next to him, and I got more sexual approval than I had ever gotten from him. That is to say, I got him to acknowledge,”This is really hot.” Hardly a gratifying response. Now that I am older and wiser, and have no gay guys to blow, I am no longer smart and no longer concerned about his heteronormative friends getting wind of my cum obsession. Perhaps his butt obsession is more embarrassing. His friends refer to him as “Mikey Butt Sex” (let’s say his name is “Mikey) and talk about his “big, swinging dick.” This is supposed to recall a list of collegiate sexual accomplishments. If erectile failure is among them, then “swinging dick” is apt,” big or not (average and beautiful, in case you are wondering).
Here is the abridged version of the Genie Sex Instruction Manual, Circa 2005. It is abridged because I assume you have no interest in reading a 16-page manifesto on cum and erectile failure, not because it is possible for me to embarrass myself any more.
Here is the Genie sex instruction manual, hopefully to be used soon…
I’m going to be really, really specific about how I want you to cum on me, because I’m obviously pretty obsessed with cum so it’s important to me that that part is perfect. By the way, I will kill you if you ever show this or mention this to anyone, so please refrain from vindication. I would like you to completely cum in my mouth at some point. As weird as this may sound, I’m really particular about whom I let cum in my mouth; you are only the 4th guy I’ve let do it and I haven’t had anyone cum in my mouth in almost two years. When stuff between me and guys whom I once let cum in my mouth changes, I don’t even let them do it anymore. But for some reason you seem less nasty to me than other guys. Partially because you are very clean cut, partially because I know you pretty well so you don’t disgust me. Kinda like how family members don’t disgust me. It’s the same reason why it wouldn’t actually bother me if you wiped snot on my bed. I was being totally serious when I told you that your cum tastes better than most guys’. I mean, it still isn’t something I would eat for breakfast, but there is a difference between bad and awful and yours definitely isn’t awful. Maybe it’s just because I didn’t get that much of it in my mouth.
So here is how I want you to cum on me apart from when I want you to cum in my mouth: You can get it in my mouth but it can’t happen in my mouth because I want to be able to see it come out. That’s very important to me. I have to be able to see it come out and land. By the way, I thought it was really hot how you got pools of cum on my sheets the other day. Not that cum smells especially good or even hot in any way, but I totally smelled it after you left. I want it to be close enough to my face so that there is a certain amount of fear and anticipation, but I’ll kill you if you get it in my eyes, hair or anyplace else nasty. So basically you have to be close enough to aim but far enough away so I can see it. It’s also important how it lands on me. I don’t want each spurt to be separated, as in, if you kinda shake it out of you and it lands on me in individual drops rather than in pools, that would suck—so just let it come out as is. It would be awesome if you could cum on my face but angle it so it dripped down my chin onto my tits. Then I would really like you to rub it on my tits and lick it off my nipples. It would also be hot if you could rub your dick in it, especially while you are still cumming, and smack your dick on my tits. This is gonna sound really weird, but it would also be really hot if before you came, when you were really hard, you could pull your dick outta my mouth and gently smack the side of my face with it. Basically, the deal with me and cum is—the anticipation is even hotter than being cum on. If you cum in my mouth, I know exactly when it’s going to squirt out, so there is no anticipation. The more surprise and fear that’s involved, the better. And, of course, with me, the sloppier the better. I like to be soaked in cum, sweat, and spit when I’m done with sex. In fact, I measure sex by how sticky and sore I am afterwards, cause I’m romantic like that.
It seems kinda fucked up to me that you jerk off everyday and every time I pressure you to hook up with me, you are a whiny little bitch and are like, “I’m too tired, I’m too stressed out—when I’m tired and stressed I’m not even horny.” I really want you to say you have a headache so I can make fun of you for being a housewife. I do understand that it’s easier. And, I have to say, I’m sorta a bigger fan of masturbating than hooking up with people. Even when I hook up with people, unless they’re good, I basically just end up playing with myself in front of them and then I feel like a loser. But every once in a while it’s still nice to break up the monotonous routine, and I pretty much think you are crazy for turning me down when I throw myself at you. That just never happens. I would appreciate it if I thought you actually enjoyed watching me play with myself and you weren’t just being lazy, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that in front of you sober. It’s just too weird cause I know you too well and it’s weird to masturbate in front of your friends. It’s like I know you too well but not well enough. I have no problem getting off in front of random guys/casual friends and I have no problem getting off in front of boyfriends, but you are in that bad, in-between place. I also still have masturbation guilt bred into me because I’m a stupid girl and girls are just socialized to be self conscious, so your saying that I don’t have to feel weird because you’ll jerk off at the same time is so irrelevant to me. Guys play with their dicks in front of girls all the time and it’s totally normal but it’s just different for girls. I guess the status of my getting off in front of you has obviously changed since I wrote this. But there is a difference between my getting myself off in front of you and my finishing myself off in front of you.
Last time we hooked up for real, you did an amazing job for the first time. The other times were kinda disappointing. I could tell you were finally putting in the effort and enjoying it, and, because you were totally absorbed, I could be into it. But I still had to beg you to do me first, which is shitty. You are so fucking selfish sexually. The problem is, I want to be able to play with your dick for a while—cause that turns me on—then have you get me off. Last time we hooked up and were both too drunk, I still had fun. That’s what I like about you—I’m too comfortable with you now to care. It didn’t embarrass me at all and was insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Even if were both too drunk to cum, I still enjoyed it while it lasted, and I like that nothing really matters between us sexually anymore. But you were still kind of selfish. I worked on you forever and when I wanted you to keep working on me, you said you were too tired. Fuck you—it felt good and I wanted you to keep doing it even if I was too drunk to cum. I put in the effort when I was trashed, so I don’t know why you couldn’t. I feel like I always have to have you work on me before I work on you, or you lose interest. It’s like once you cum or realize you can’t cum, you totally tap out. Even when we hooked up and it was amazing, you worked on me, then we 69ed and I ended up doing all the work and you neglected me, then when you went back to me you only put in half the effort you put in before you came. That’s why 69ing never works—one person always ends up doing all the work and the other person gets neglected. And it’s not just because you can’t enjoy giving and receiving at the same time; it’s because you’re selfish. The more I get you off, the more it gets me off, so I’m not sure why it doesn’t work the other way around. I’m not even really turned on unless I can tell that the guy is. But I guess you know I love sucking your cock and that’s enough for you, so my enjoying your doing stuff to me is kinda irrelevant. When we hooked up and it was good, it was so hot feeling your whole body tense and having you arch your back to meet my throat. It just seemed more urgent than normal and I could feel your dick twitch and watch your balls tighten and contract. Do you like having your balls played with or not? Somehow with our bodies facing in opposite directions and you extra hard, your cock slid down my throat more easily.
It’s really hot to see sweat drip down your face as you shove your fingers inside me. It’s hot how you seem as into it as I am. But, to give you a hint, you don’t need to put so much arm into it. All you really need to do is move your hand and wrist. You’ll be much less exhausted, trust me. If I was screwing something I would use my whole arm, but when I finger myself it’s all in the hand and wrist action. If you are a girl who compulsively masturbates without sex toys, you should incur a wrist injury and get carpel tunnel syndrome. Your arm muscles should only grow if you are doing hardcore screwing.
By the way, when I said I shoot cum that’s kinda an understatement. It’s more like gushing if you do it right. Do you like being cum on or not? You can’t say things that are going to make me feel weird about it. Would you like being cum on if you hadn’t gotten off yet?
Saying stuff like, “Jesus Genie, I feel like I’m being rained on.” and “You make a lot of noise.” just makes me feel self-conscious. With girls in general, you should probably keep your commentary to yourself.
Your asking me if porn makes me horny. The usage of the word horny. First of all, it’s ridiculous for you to ask me if porn makes me horny. No Mike, I spend hours downloading porn for its entertainment value; I’m into plot. Of course porn turns me on. I feel like you ask me things like that just to evoke a reaction. Like you want to actually hear a girl say that watching people fuck gets her wet. Yeah, sometimes I watch porn because it is entertaining, either on a comedic level or on an I’m-not-horny-but-porn-is-still-captivating level. But porn does have its purpose. And when I watch it with you, it certainly doesn’t turn me on any less, even if it may make me kinda uncomfortable. If I am watching porn with you, I probably don’t have no intention of doing anything with you, so you probably don’t have to ask me if I’m getting horny. Asking me if something makes me horny just sounds kinda ridiculous in an Austin Powers “Do I make you horny baby? Yeah baby!” kinda way. Can’t you say, “Does this turn you on?” I do like watching porn with you and seeing what you enjoy. But there is just a better way to ask than, “Does this make you horny?” Duh I’m horny right now. Even if my intention in watching porn with you isn’t necessarily to tantalize, even if I do like porn for its entertainment value, it does do its trick along the way. Although, I have to say, I do like watching you get teased and wondering if you’re going to get anything while I play oblivious. Trust me, I’m teasing myself just as much as I’m teasing you. It’s just no fun if I put out right away and let you know that I’m pining to be touched just as much as you are. There’s nothing more amazing than playing dumb and getting you to the point where you are like “I can’t take this, either you get me off or I’m leaving and getting myself off.” when really I should be begging you to stay. I wish you could enjoy my gay porn. There is nothing hotter than watching a guy suck cock. I feel like you can’t really enjoy cock unless you can envision liking to suck it. Even though I don’t really like liking pussy, I like thinking about doing it cause I know how good it feels to have it done to me and I really appreciate vaginas. I know guys work differently, but it just seems like you should be able to enjoy the process of giving head. It’s really hot thinking about someone having a body part and enjoying it so much that they want to help someone with the same body part feel good. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my vagina fully if the concept of vaginas and thinking about playing with other people’s vaginas didn’t turn me on.
Do you think it’s weird that I’m obsessed with porn and like being cum on? Do you think I’m extra “freaky” sexually or do you think I’m just extra open?
Here’s my problem with my being into weird shit: I feel like guys think I’m just a stupid slut and I’m just into sex in a weird way to get attention or to impress them. And, yes, I do like telling crazy stories to get attention, but only because that makes it less personal. Something about my sexuality has always deeply disturbed me. Part of it is a public problem and part of it is a private problem. Obviously there is stuff I share with random people that they can’t handle, and I kind of enjoy that. But my obsessive need to share stems from the fact that I like making other people uncomfortable because it makes me less uncomfortable, and once my life is in the public domain it isn’t really my problem anymore. Part of the reason why I feel so weird about my sexuality is that girls are socialized to feel weird, but part of it is that there are just some components that are intuitively and viscerally wrong.
When I was 13, I used to come home from school, sit on the couch in my little all-girls-school pleaded skirt, and get off to “The Rupaul Show.” I really liked the part where she said, “Do you like my dress? Here is the front, and here is the back.” She had really hot, lean woman legs, and skirts/dresses are so easy-access. Something about the fact that she had this amazing, surreal woman body, but when you reached up her skirt there would be a penis, really turned me on. It went a little further as this was Bat Mitzvah season. In Marilyn Manson’s video “Sweet Dreams,” there is this scene where he has what are obviously self-inflicted cuts all over his chest, he is wearing a tutu and ripped up tights, and he is riding a pig. The scene is meant to be disturbing and for some reason it intrigued me, whereas most disturbing things don’t. Something about ripped up tights is obviously very whorish, and I have a distinct memory of going home from a Bat Mitzvah really horny with black tights that had a run in them, shredding the tights to pieces, and getting myself off furiously on my bathroom floor. I liked the idea of how tights were constricting and proper, and how ripping them up was somehow physically and metaphorically freeing. To this day, the thought of fucking with tights on really turns me on. And, what’s more, I’ve always liked thinking about fucking a man wearing tights, ripping a hole in the appropriate place, freeing his dick from constriction. I know there is something a little weird about being a little, innocent, “straight-A” school girl and coming home to get my rocks off to this beautiful man dressed as a woman. I know there is something a little weird about coming home from a Bat Mitzvah and thinking about fucking a man in tights. But I’ve never felt too bad about those sorts of things because I’ve always thought that, on some level, the weirdness comes from a failure to meet societal norms.
Artistically men in tights are obviously quite absurd and I’m sure you could read a billion Freudian things into that and my need to dominate men. But does it matter? It’s not like I’m just into stuff that puts me into control. I like being cum on and that is supposed to be demeaning. I don’t see it that way though. I think cum is beautiful and there is nothing more amazing and than being showered in the products of arousal. I like to watch it glisten. Those five seconds of total purity and beauty when nothing else in the world matters to you. I feel like there is nothing more concrete and punctuating than cum. I love receiving someone’s 5 seconds of purity from the moment of inevitability to the moment of resignation when they realize what a mess they’ve made. There is nothing more intimate, whether with a stranger or a loved-one. It’s not even about sharing a moment, but just about watching them and receiving. At the end of “American Beauty,” when there is that famous quote about how there is so much beauty in the world and you watch the bag float around—I think of cum. It amazes me how everyone is so different yet everyone has two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and cum that tastes and smells roughly the same despite individual variation. It amazes me that body shape and functioning is somewhat universal and that everyone had those five seconds where nothing in the world could stop them. For a while I thought I was just into weird shit because it is taboo. But, I mean, there is lots of really weird sex shit out there and I’m not into 95% of it. So who knows why I’m into boys dressed as girls or effeminate boys whom I feel like I can throw around. All I know is, it gets me off, and so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, there is really no reason to be concerned. But then there is the stuff that does concern me.
And then there is the societal shit that does bother me partially on a superficial level and partially on a practical level. I really don’t like being perceived as a dumb slut. People treat you differently and don’t have respect for you if they think you are just acting in a certain manner to achieve social ends. When I’m in bed with a random guy and I want him to cum on me, spank me, etc., I feel weird about it. Not because I’m self-conscious, not because I think there is anything intuitively wrong with such acts, but because I assume that they’ll assume I just want to do weird shit to make an impression on them, to look kinky and cool. I know not doing stuff you’re into so people don’t think you are trying to be weird, is even worse than doing stuff you aren’t into so people will think you are cool. It is like trying not to conform. But I really don’t want to be a dumb slut. There’s nothing I hate more than girls who pretend to be something they’re not to impress guys, and I will avoid looking like such a girl at all costs, even if it means that I have to forego being myself and doing things that will actually get me off. Pathetic maybe, but how weird does it sound when some random chick says, “You can play with your cum if you want.” You know you’d think she just read that in Cosmo.
My only comfort when it comes to my sexual weirdness is I’ve always felt like I know what I’m into sexually more than most people. That’s why hooking up with the girl disturbed me so much. It made me think that for all of my sexual self-awareness, I can’t actually distinguish between what I like to fantasize about and what I like to do. Which doesn’t mean that busting the reality ruined the fantasy, because getting off to girls is still plenty good. It is just kind of shocking that I could spent so many nights staying up crying about how I like girls, when I don’t actually like girls. I guess I just appreciate sex more than most people and girls are really hot and I appreciate them and their bodies and I like watching them get off and even helping them get off; but it’s more that I like sex and girls are part of sex, than that I like girls. It’s weird, because there are some things distinctly female that turn me on, like feeling a girl get wetter, feeling her pussy contract around and grip my fingers, watching her squirm when it gets too intense, etc. But when it comes down to it, I just have no sexual connection with girls and it will always be forced, like hooking up with a guy I’m not into. I feel like on a logical level I should be into girls, but there is really nothing I can do about it. That doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy hooking up with girls—just like I still enjoy hooking up with guys I don’t like on some level, because cock is cock—but just that I like isolated things with girls and not the whole girl, and I will always feel like I’m being shortchanged. Let’s just say that with girls there is zero passion, zero urgency. It’s about getting off because it feels good, because I’m horny, because watching other people get off is hot, not because I need her now. I’ll just never need pussy the way I need cock and I’ve always been acutely aware of that. I always said that if I married a girl, I’d suck cock on the side. So I guess I should just give up the girls, but I’m really not ready to. It’s not even about the sex; it’s just about the cock. I wasn’t joking when I said that after I hooked up with the girl I wanted you like I never wanted you before. I just felt cock-starved, like there was something missing. Just like sex isn’t complete for me without the cum, it certainly isn’t complete without a penis.