if it turns out you’re a bitch, i’d still fuck you

What I love about guys is, they love to be used. Case in point:

My best friend had this party for which she sent out invites on facebook. One of the respondents—let’s call him “Andy”—had red hair. I thought, “How dare you! All of this time you have been concealing a red-haired friend from me?” She explained that she was sure she told me the story at the time; he was a friend of a friend and they almost hooked up because he played D&D and was impressed by her D&D knowledge. I could have him if I wanted. Shuddering, I declined “Ew, gross, I do remember the story. I do not want a warlock. I didn’t know red-heads could go so wrong.” No thank you. Keep the warlock suit—or wizard suit, or whatever you sickos are into—in your closet. I am into sex, not pretend.

But then I met him and fell in love instantly. His hair so neon orange, his face as fair as snow. I’m kidding. I liked him because he could rival me in ridiculousness, we could have a ridiculousness contest and he might show me up. He talked about all the girls he fucked in cabs and I even saw video, courtesy of his friend, of him puking the previous night after drinking an entire bottle of soy sauce. I would have to talk him down. He is my favorite breed of man.

He said something that shocked me. In reference to his drug dealer I thought he said, “He just got out of juvee,” but I was only half listening. I inquired and he was like, “What? No, I said, ‘You would love him; he’s a red-haired Jew.’” I almost pissed my pants. Revealing, yet tantalizing. I’m not sure whom it was intended to expose. Apparently someone had disclosed my fetish prior to my arrival at the party; my reputation preceded me and not in the way I am used to, not in the way that gets me laid. I admired his audacity, his self-assuredness. Like, I would never go up to someone and say, “So, I hear you are into big tits.”

In the cab we and others shared home, he told me he sometimes works near my apartment (unfortunately, I am not awake during the work day) and we exchanged names. By the time I got home, he had already facebook friended me and we had a late-night fb chat:

A: Totally beat you at the facebook game w my sick phone. If that sleeping pill doesn’t work you should come to brooklyn

G: I wonder what embarrassing stories about me and red hair preceded my arrival. Surely nothing that tops your sex tape.

G: or vomit vid

A: The part that makes the sex tape great is that I now know how few people actually do it. No embarrassing red hair stories however I can probably help create some. Hopefully sans vomit.

G: as a sexual pragmatist, i could always use help.

A: Would have been a nice hanukkah present alas we’re running out of days.

G: i guess j date isn’t the only forum in which jews can meet people with whom to exchange sex. only on jdate i am pretty sure sex is exchanged for dinner, not embarrassing red head stories.

A: Haha- I find it funny that human interaction and chemistry are now deemed the alternative to online services. What’s with jdate though? Thought you hated nice jewish boys. The whole dinner racket is prostitution. Embarrassing stories have no value in dollars.

The following day, he sent me a facebook message that could rival his “red-haired Jew” comment in forwardness. Instantly, I was comfortable with him. I thought, yes, finally a sexual prospect that is completely transparent. Only a day after I met him, and already to-the-point.

A: If it’s nice out I may eat a falaffel platter in Bryant Park tomorrow afternoon. Does that tickle any genetic disposition fancies?

G: tickle a fancy, it would. but if, by “afternoon,” you mean before 5pm, then i will have yet to awaken. we shall falafelize another evening.

A: i envy your vampirous (vampiric?) lifestyle.. eh fuck- nocturnal will do. well the machine has granted me a 4 day weekend so if you’d like to come out and play i’m preparing for great decadences beginning tomorrow afternoon.

And then the ultimate, the conversation that assuaged any reservations I might have had:

A: damnit- i was contemplating masturbation or a joint, the hardest decision to make at 544am and my cat climbed on top of me and sprawled out derailing both ideas.

G: this dog i am babysitting seems to be very interested in the former

i wonder if he watches his owner jerk off or if he just likes the smell of girls

i suppose maybe it is an interest in the novel

A: does he try to fuck the cat

G: ew, no

A: thats good

G: my cat weighs 8 pounds and he weighs 88

he just points his nose near her and whimpers for attention

A: little cat

thats cute

G: yes, my red-haired fluffy wuffy princess

that’s cute

A: 🙂

G: she has pink nose and pink toes!

i suppose so do you

A: you’d be surprised

G: purple toes? no!

A: i’ve been exploring the arctic

these things happen

G: but purple and orange clash!

A: i really never got over the 80s

something to do with growing up not meeting grandiose expectations probably

G: were you even born in the 80’s? (thing that douche bag a hipster xmas eve party asked me)

so in what way do you fail to meet expectations

A: haha- so you’re17?

not me- the world

G: i’m barely legal!

A: oh man- i’ve seen movies about this

i actually have a dvd by that title though

G: well, there are hundreds of dvds with that title, since it is a series

do you own a hardcopy?

A: yes, thats what i meant

like, i had the box at some point and it was a source of entertainment on my coffee table

G: like you actually had to suffer the embarrassment of going to a gas station (or wherever nyers buy dirty mags) to purchase it

the box? like a boxset of porn?

A: sorry, case

A: theres porn shops on my block at work. i didn’t have tv or internet in my old apartment for 3 years..

G: oh, i have much better porn deprivation stories

G: and masturbatory set up stories

but, seriously, did you buy a whole box set? i’m confused?

also, wouldn’t you venture away from work to buy porn?

or is this accepted in the cs dork community?

A: no, i just meant the case the dvd came in. 4 for $20 rack

i really couldn’t give a fuck. everyone has porn.

cs?

G: computer science

wow, economical

so no magazines came with it

A: i sell. im a businessperson not an engineer

no, it wasn’t a box of porn i stole out of my friend’s trash

G: i used to work in chelsea and all the atms were in porno stores, so if i needed cash during the say, i couldn’t just slip into some bodega

A: excellent.

G: ha ha, well, if it means anything to you, i think barely legal is a quality series, i appreciate the real breasts, even if it is in the spirit of pedophilia

A: theres lots of great things that come from the spirit of pedophilia

A: the whole catholic church

G: ha

A: lolita

G: but you said great

oh

well, i suppose

poison ivy is my lolita

A: the first one?

G: with drew

yes, the first

the only

A: nice

i like that one but i am a sucker for alyssa milano

G: and tony danza!

A: i love tony danza porn lol

no, i meant isnt tony danza in 80s shows with alyssa milano

but i’ve heard about the “danza” move

A: yeah, who’s the boss

  

G: in any event, soc major, red-haired jew is quite the pitch

i hope you can live up to my expectations

A: i’m a feminist as far as rights go, but i tend to be pragmatic (or some would say conservative) about our roles

men and women are different, that’s a good thing. people should accept that

G: which mainly consist of my wanting to see you projectile vomit if possible

A: haha, what are your expectations?

ahh

not on you, right?

i suppose it would be blog-worthy

what would you do for your fans?

G: well, for sure, i am a pragmatist too, i am not part of that 70s breed of feminism where people want to purport we are all the same, have the same desires and abilities and even biological needs

i don’t have fans

i would like some

but i already have a more than sufficient sex and vomit story in the works

i mean, the events are over, but the story is yet to be written

A: women should make as much money, be president, all that jazz- but you know all that already. i hate that conversation because its obvious. your last remark was more interesting because the vast majority of idiots that speak about feminism dont grasp that important concept

you have a sex and vomit story already? shucks. i’ve peed and passed out (simultaneously) while on top if that’s of any value.

G: in any event, perhaps this is a convo for another time, i would like to go and maybe write on post before the onset of sleep

but first i beseach you to answer one question

A: i like that idea. i was trying to get myself to tell you how much i hate you for being interesting because i was supposed to take a nap a while ago

shoot

G: after our absurd fb message exchange, which was in the genie ‘just kidding, but not really’ vein, i thought to myself: my fav thing about guys is that they don’t care if they are getting used.

so, would it detract from a sexual exp if you thought a girl was just into you for biological reasons over which you had no control

like does it actually matter to you why girls want you

or are you just pleased when they’re interested

i’m not saying i am exclusively interested in your hair

this is just a bare-minimum hypothetical

A: if i continue to not respond, i might not have to ask you to just ask outright what you’re getting at?

but alas i have

let’s do this- it’s not common to have two people completely capable of this conversation having it.

tell me what you would like from me and ill be honest as well

be brief and concise though

G: well, i mean, i haven’t even hung out with you alone, so it is impossible to know what you want from a guy until you are in a situation conducive to it

that said, i think you are cute and interesting and ridiculous and blunt in the way that appeals to me

not so brief and concise

i suppose i haven’t lived up to your expectation or at least request

A: perfectly brief and concise. no disclaimers.. every word mattered and contributed to expressing your idea. 🙂

you have

completely

G: ha ha

so you shoot

what do you want

and what don’t you want

A: so- check this one out first- question

G: yes

A: have you already concluded you want to sleep with me physically? (not necessarily implying that means you will, but I would be on the list in your mental notepad under the heading “guys i would consider fucking per the stereotypical ‘women can decide who they want to fuck in the first 2 minutes’ factoid”)

G: yes, definitely, you are on my sheet of guys who i knew within the first two minutes that i would like to fuck, unless something bad or weird happened that changed my mind about the circumstances

i think you are fuckable and my type, for sure, there is just the small detail of whether i would actually fuck you

A: well by most standards i’m capable of bad and weird but given your reaction to the videos, i think we’re safe

G: which is largely based on how you behave, how compatible we are in spending as much time together as it takes to fuck, being comfortable with each other , etc

ha ha, you’re saying you prefer kinky and gross sex but you think i can handle it?

A: ok, so i wasn’t just stoned and imagining the extra moment held eye contacts in spite of the minimum amount of conversation

G: i was intrigued by your openness in revealing stories

A: i just meant altogether bad and weird, but yeah- sometimes that too. not vomiting or urination or anything but sure.

i understand

ok- my turn?

complete honesty

G: okay

but then i have more specific qs to ask you

A: if you already have them, go ahead

G: no, you shoot first, i just have clarification questions

i’m just curious as to what bad and weird sex is, independent of kinky sex

what specifically does that mean

and is that imperative to your sexual exp

like we’ve all had bad sex, but are you into things that are always bad a weird?

and maybe i didn’t bring this up, but do you not care why people are interested in you as long as they are? like if i theoretically only wanted you for your hair, would that be a deal-breaker?

A: i am attracted to you. you’re a beautiful jewish girl and just like you said you don’t like jewish boys, you are an exception to my rule. while like any man on the street looking at any well made up decent looking girl, of course the generic long island girl shopping in midtown is worth checking out. i actually really want to fuck you. lately i haven’t liked any girls i’ve been with much but it’s sex so i have it, but i haven’t been able to get into it like i used to. i’ve determined that it’s not worth it unless its with someone im incredibly attracted to and really want to be fucking. i dont know what it was, but when i met you the other nite i was attracted to you immediately. that said- yes, physical, yes. now the other side of the coin, anything other than sex. given our different upbringings are basically an ethnic divide, would i ever consider we could date seriously or anything more, my immediate reaction would be the obvious no. however, while i hold no expectation, i just have this weird inkling we could have fun spending time together and being ourselves without pretension or social dynamics with other people in the room. i’d like to get drunk with you one evening and see what happens.

should i respond to your questions or wait until you read this and let you decide?

(decide what to speak about first)

G: i suppose you should respond to my question, but also i thought you were going to ask me something, not just tell me something

i think we should go out for drinks, but i don’t do the pre-sex getting wasted thing

because that ruins the sex

so i’d prefer to just get drunk and get to know each other

and then sex, if it is the cards, could come at a later time

or, if it seems imminent, we could restraint the quantity of drinking

i’m just not into drunken sex

i am into drunken conversation, etc.

drunken bowling, even!

A: i like you more for everything you just said

through the very end of it. especially the very end of it.

 🙂

G: ha

so you still haven’t asked me the questions you promised. then i must go and do things.

 A: im supposed to answer yours

and then sleep

G: ohh

A: ok- bad and weird sex. i have no idea, defecation? kinky, good. nothing is imperative. actually head is. the last couple girls that i was seeing weren’t into it and its not just because i like good head. it probably is somewhat imperative in knowing how much somebody wants you. do i not care what people are interested in? its nice to know you’re wanted for certain qualities but those are probably the more intangible ones. i couldn’t sit here and say that great sex hasn’t come from a great physical chemistry and the right time (see imminent remark above). do you only want me for my hair?

G: i don’t, but that’s part of it, as in, that isn’t the only thing i like about you or find hot, but without the hair i couldn’t say definitively whether or not i’d be interested

it’s just like such a bonus that it trumps all else

it doesn’t mean i wouldn’t appreciate the other things

just that if you were a total d bag and had nothing else going for you, but had red hair, i might still consider you, but only as a fuck and chuck option

it is simply what catches my eye, but does not leave me blind to other qualities people have

A: in that case- are you kidding? i’m a guy. i’m okay with that completely. anyway, its flattering how sexy you find my hair. it’s a big deal being a redhead when a woman is into it specifically.

G: ha ha

because everyone else seems to think that redheads are the devils children?

A: thats like me saying would you be upset if it turns out you’re a bitch but i’d still fuck you because i like your face and your legs a lot.

and yes, exactly because of that lol

G: i have actually seriously been considering this heart-wrenching prospect. supposedly red hair is dying out because of inter-marriage and the baby begetting that comes therefrom. is it possible that when i am thirtyish and ready to have kids i will have to make the horrific decision of whether i could be partially responsible for the annihilation of the master race?

ha ha, okay, so neither of us are above basic sexual flattery, good to hear

A: i’m confused- are you posing the question that in spite of your desire for my people, is it wrong to marry us?

or are you saying you’re a natural redhead and are supposed to marry one

G: well, yes, because maybe i care too much about the well being and abundance of the master race to care about my selfish desire which would result in diluting the red genes and inadvertently killing out the race

the latter

A: fuck

G: in spite of my desire, it would be wrong to bear children with one

A: this is unfortunate

G: but i suppose i can allay these fears until i am thirty and want babies

A: and here i was hoping to make you my orthodox baby farm

G: ha ha

are you orthodox, or are you joking about even that?

like were you raised that way

A: i’m not orthodox!

G: not by birth even?

A: no

G: because i hear those orthos shoot up heroin, get tats, and beat their wives

oh, and also won’t fuck for two weeks out of a month, because vaginas are unclean

A: i was bar mitzvah’d in an orthodox synagogue however because i was booted from every reformed one in my neighborhood.

G: seriously?!?

A: they also swing now apparently because of the whole arranged marriage in the third millenium thing.

G: amazing, a red-haired bad ass. you are the devil’s children!

A: yeah, we had to videotape it on the thursday before (the torah portion and prayers etc) because of the sabbath and all my aunts and grandma and women etc. showed up without warning and had to take off their leather shoes and purses before entering (after arguments with multiple rabbis) and sit up in the bleachers without their respective sons and husbands.

yeah.. hence the bad and weird remark (to clarify)

G: interesting, well i must sleep, but if ten years from now you want to have some sort of baby farm with me, i think it should be an orange kitty farm, or maybe we could specialize in orange things. i like orange juice, but only fresh squeezed. i’m sure that could be arranged on a farm.

nighty night

A: agreed. kittys and fresh juice.

goodnight

wait

whats your phone number so i can harass you?

G: 917 _______

A: would you like mine or am i obliged to call first?

G: i really don’t play these games

it makes no difference

A: 718 _______

G: just identify yourself when you call

but okay it works that way too

A: take my number

G: if you insist

A: demand even

now you’re obliged

see you soon

actually bedtime now- goodnight

G: um, well i’d say we are now on equal ground. but let’s be grown up: call when you want to hang out. i’ll do the same. it should work.

goodnight

A: will do

goodnight

My favorite line of our conversation was obviously: “thats like me saying would you be upset if it turns out you’re a bitch but i’d still fuck you because i like your face and your legs a lot.” It appeals to both my sexual utilitarianism and sexual narcissism. Like I’d actually be flattered if he said imperatively, “It turns out you’re a bitch, but I’d still fuck you.” Bitchiness refers to qualities that are in my control, and those qualities not withstanding, my inalienable hotness prevails. As a sexual narcissist, I should almost make a point of being a bitch so I can discern whether guys really want me, my body.

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