Because my best friend and I are both losers, we made a bet. I bet that I could fuck a girl before she could fuck a guy. It took four months for either of us to win. We couldn’t figure out the terms of the bet and I suggested that whoever loses is a “loser for life.” She said she didn’t like that, because she knew I would win. So, instead, we decided that whoever loses should actually get us shrooms, something we have both wanted to do for a while but something which we are both too loserish to attain. It seemed like a mutually beneficial bet–encouraging us to get laid and benefitting us both in the end. There was only one other time in my life I have ever made a bet, also a girl sex bet. I’ve always really wanted to fuck girls, but for reasons unknown to me, I am to scared to orchestrate it. For a long time I thought I was so scared because I was really a lesbian and didn’t want to face the facts. But then it occurred to me, after fucking one girl, that it might be that I am straight and every straight person faces anxiety upon confronting a lesbian experience. Not homophobia, per se, but just the feeling of this isn’t for me. The first bet was also won in a mutually beneficial way. I don’t think there were even terms to that bet. The way in which it was resolved was through a threesome, but one which ended quickly due to time constraints, so I unfortunately didn’t get to fuck that girl. I told her later about the bet and she thought it was funny. After all, the synthesis was that I really wanted this chick and my guy friend got all competitive about it. It seemed like the only reason he was into her was to irritate me. So we decided to see who could get her first, which I thought was sort of unfair because, let’s be honest, I don’t have a penis. It is beyond flattering to be fought over, even if it was sort of a joke. With the second girl I hooked up with, I got to do everything with her; she was hot, sweet, and down for anything; and I got just as aroused as I would in a good guy sex experience. Yet, it seemed like there was something kind of off. I thought it was the discomfort, but I got a suspicion that if the discomfort was assuaged, some of the hotness would go with it. In my most recent experience, while it was thoroughly hot and worth it and not gross at all, and while I would do it again, I felt like there was something missing. Specifically, the cock.
Before the cab ride home, while the girl was getting her jacket, I texted my best friend.
Me: Night successful
Daria: Nice. How?
Have you ever gotten a foot cramp while orgasming? Not to sound incredibly dorky about it, but there is a biological reason! Motor neurons are the longest neurons in the body; their axons travel all the way from the spinal cord to the extremities. Orgasms are spinal reflexes. And, voila, a foot cramp! I came really hard with this girl and I could feel my hand cramping as I was cumming, but there was nothing I could do about it, like I could see it in slow motion yet it was totally out of my control. I imagine this is what a getting in a car crash must be like–another iteration of your life flashing before you eyes, only it is the next hour of your life flashing before your eyes. Afterwards, I considered that maybe it was from gripping the dildo too hard, trying too hard, but it was my right hand, my clit hand, and really there is no explanation other than spinal reflex and neural firing. This posed a grave problem: I wanted to text my best friend again to inform her of my bet winning, but I could not move my hand properly. I had to type on my phone with my left hand, while balancing it in my right hand, which had gripping abilities so poor it was as if I were fumbling a Nerf football. Even selecting the numbers with your left hand is more difficult. Searching for numbers and pressing them becomes hardwired as a single response, and when you disassociate the two, you have a right brain-left brain moment where you realize that you have no idea what you are doing. I felt like I was watching my 70-year-old dad learn how to type. It occurred to me briefly that I might want to get off again while the girl sex was still fresh in my head, until I instantly realized that I couldn’t–even fuck myself like a cripple, because I was temporarily crippled! But, alas, I was determined to share my gloating and I managed to hammer out a few brief texts.
me: I just won our bet. now get us shrooms!
me: Also, I had a cab makeout sesh that could rival chuck and blair’s limo sex.
Daria: That is unfair. Last night I failed to hook up with a cute bartender.
Daria: Ha ha yes.
The next day Daria inquired about the girl in more detail.
me: so, i think i might try to hook up with elle again later this week
she is determined to be the first girl to get me off
by the way, i really don’t think girls are any better than guys
Daria: yeah, I’m not really surprised
me: and i also really don’t know how to give instructions
me: but the worst thing is that with girls you never know what’s going on. i found out what it feels like to be a guy in the dark.
me: i have to say, that i think sex toys are even more insulting to pull out with girls than they are with guys, but i guess it’s just commonly accepted that lesbians are lacking in proper physical equipment
Daria: I see
did you pull them out?
me: she brought it up, sort of
so i thought i got her off but i wasn’t sure because i am a dumb guy and i don’t know what i’m doing. she was way harder to read than the other girl i hooked up with. the other girl’s vag contracted more and stuff and she tensed up more. this girl’s clit was so small i could barely even feel if it was hard and i could only get one finger in her and nothing seemed to contract, she just rocked back and forth a little and moaned, nothing very telling, then i thought i messed up when i thought things were finally going somewhere. my finger accidentally slipped out completely, i had trouble getting it in at all while we were 69ing. so i repositioned and tried to stick two fingers in, to which she said “ow.” then i just went back to working on her clit, afraid that i had already lost her, but she pushed me away like she couldn’t be touched anymore, so i assume she did actually cum. she didn’t want to be touched again for the rest of the night.
so after she was done she was like “so what can i do for you?” and i was “sorry, i’m just really difficult.” she said she was up for a challenge.
Daria: okay, so what did she try?
me: then she asked me if it was my first time with a girl and i explained that i had been with a girl like three years ago and apologized for being out of practice.
Daria: it seems like you know enough about her that this could maybe go better if you do it again
me: she said, no, it’s okay, i’m the lesbian so i should be the one making excuses—my excuse is i don’t have a penis.
Daria: haha yeah
me: she was like “i left my penis at home. it’s lonely” i lol’d (and of course thought of detachable penis) and i was like “well, i have some plastic penises under my bed. i suppose they are lonely too.”
so she asked if she could use them on me and who am i to argue with offers of dildo fucking.
me: the best line was when she asked me for lube, and i said, i could find lube but we could just use spit, and she said, “spit dries; lube is forever.” i replied “like diamonds.”
Daria: hahaha nice
me: everytime i see lube from now on i am going to think “lube is forever”
the conclusion of the night
was that of course it took me a stupid amount of time to get myself off and i was thinking, oh no, i might be too weak. my vag muscles could crush penis, but my arms are too puny to shove dildo into me repeatedly.
me: she helped out a lot and made a fabulous accessory. i was loud and when i finally got off i apologized for it taking so long.
Daria: I bet loud is good
me: she said, no, i liked watching and you know what you want, i like that. the way i would like to read her last comment is “you must sit around and masturbate all day.”
well that sort of applies to me too
me: well, yeah, i’m sure it was really hot to watch, i put a lot into it, but i feel retarded about it having to be such a production
i want to be able to just get off, no production
my mom came into my apt while we were hooking up
and i knew she didn’t expect me to be home because i said i was going out and it was only like 11:30
but my mom doesn’t get that when you get laid, you call it a night early
me: elle was funny about it. i was like maybe we should stop for a sec and she asked if she should hide in my closet. i was like, no, it’s okay, this is so campy. and she was like, yeah, it’s more fun that way. before she left we were talking about my mom hearing and she was like “maybe she’d think it was just you” and i was like “yeah, i’m usually not quite this loud for myself.” and she was like “well, your mom doesn’t think you are a virgin, does she?” and i was like “no, but she can discern the diff btw girls giggling and guys giggling.”
me: so, yeah, this girl is fun and i think it erased my gross thursday night exp. this is my new sexual exp logic: good experiences cancel out bad ones.
me: when people ask me how my girl sex was, i will ask them if they want it on a scale from reasonably good masturbation to reasonably good man sex
Daria: well what are both answers
me: i’d say it’s a 5 on a scale of masturbation to sex
Daria: wait does that mean halfway in between?
and bad sex is below masturbation on the scale
the thing about girl sex, is i don’t think it could ever really be bad, like there is nothing that could possibly be disgusting about it, it’s just like great now i’m aroused and want more
Daria: right, which I guess depending on how you think of it is either worse or better
like, when I said “the point of getting off isn’t to stop being horny”
and you were like
“sort of it is though”
me: yeah, exactly like that
i think i need to buy a harness, like soon
i wish i could find a girl whose pussy isn’t so tight
Daria: hers is?
me: it’s like ridiculous
Daria: you said you could only get one finger in there?
me: i mean, i could only get one finger in regularly, and then it was sorta impossible to fit more than 1/4 finger in while were were 69ing—it’s kinda hard to explain but the angle makes it sorta impossible. i could have actually touched her ass while we were 69ing, but i’m always skeptical about doing things like that to people unless they would ask, but the prob is that no one would ever ask.
but i’ve felt this way about all girls: emmy, elle
god, I need to just have sex
me: emmy was the best as far as she would let me pound her with dildos but she could only fit the teeny one in her and sometimes even that was too much
partially in a too big way partially in a too intense way
Daria: how big is teeny?
me: like way smaller than most penises
Daria: I guess I wonder how I feel about what size of stuff I would like inside me, just because I haven’t really experimented with that much
me: it’s the one i fuck the most often, the double headed one, but sometimes i need more, i do the graduated dildos thing
i think that with small dildos you can actually feel stuff contract more, your muscles have to do more work to grip, which is great, and you always want more and more, which is how i felt about josh
Daria: wait, did you hook up with josh friday?
me: it’s a great feeling to think that you can never get something as far in as you want, and also the balls part of small dildos smacks your ass which is pleasing
no, because he doesn’t want me
but it’s been like 3 or 4 months and he has expressed absolutely no interest
Daria: okay, so you didn’t
me: he’s cute, right?
Daria: yeah, he’s cute
plus his bathroom is really you
me: i wonder if you could hook up with him
Daria: probably not
me: although i’m not sure you’d want to lose your virginity to a guy with the smallest penis ever to be seen
me: you might have to lose it twice that way
like lose it in portions
Daria: it’ll already be time #2
3 times is too many!
me: upper half and lower half of vagina
Daria: haha but I have a suspicion I have no hymen
or a stretched one
me: i think that taylor only made it to the opening, right
Daria: I think that wouldn’t be an issue
yeah, taylor didn’t really go in
me: so losing it in three portions could be feasible
Daria: feasible, but undesirable
me: but hilarious
Daria: also true
I was supposed to see Elle once more before she left for school, but it was cold out and I was getting my period and I really didn’t feel like going out. I told her earlier that evening, in case it made a difference to her, that I was getting my period and I supposed that was a common lesbian problem. It didn’t make a difference to her and it didn’t make a difference to me, but as the night went on I thought, “Am I really going to go out of my way to get fingered? What am I, sixteen?” Don’t get me wrong: I am a huge finger-enthusiast. I used to sort of check out guys’ fingers before I fucked them. Almost more important than penis size, because really any penis is big enough. I used to complain that it was a sick joke that girls’ fingers were made shorter than guys’, that I could never get my fingers in quite far enough (although, it is more the angle than anything). But on this freezing cold night, when I felt period shitty, I couldn’t help but think that once you reach a certain age, you can no longer go out of your way to get fingered (and fuck dildos in front of people). Like, obviously it is way more fun (albeit, not as good) to have other people touch you, and obviously it is way more fun to get off with other people present, but since I would just end up fucking my dildo in front of this girl, it seemed like the ridiculousness of the situation would only be emphasized by her lack of ability to do anything to me besides fingering and watching. Maybe if it was at her place, I would be tempted by a whole new array of dildos. But I think I can fuck my dildos at my place alone. At least not make someone go out of her way to come to my place to watch me fuck dildos, as hot as that might be.
I think I am a poor candidate for lesbianism because I need to be pounded. Most girls masturbate purely with clitoral stimulation, but I can’t get off without putting stuff in me and even if I forced myself to get off without stuff in me, it wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying. I find independent clitoral stimulation to be more annoying than anything. Well, annoying and boring. Irritating even. I need the interplay of clit and vag stuff, and I have to admit that once I have stuff inside me, I get kind of distracted because it is simply way more intense. Which isn’t to say that I don’t like having my clit played with or that I don’t like getting eaten out. Sex would not be good without prior stimulation and simultaneous stimulation. It’s just that I feel like clit play paves the way for vag play and once I am aroused, I need to be fucked. As I explained to my best friend, “I have like the most hetero conception of sex ever.” She replied, “Well, maybe not the most hetero ever.” I suppose she is right: Licking pussy surely disqualifies you from being the most hetero ever. Nevertheless, I am surely disqualified from being a lesbian for a list of reasons that I will not enumerate or elaborate on, except to disclose that I do keep a list of things of this nature, which would probably better qualify me for being a straight man.
I felt kind of shitty about my half-decision to stay home, especially since she was going back to college the next day, so I convinced myself entirely in typical Genie fashion: I got off–in such a way as to prevent my wanting to get off again that night, at least, for a while.
I don’t want this to sound like resignation; I am still looking forward to having more girl sex, but hopefully fully-functioning girl sex (as supposed to girl sex that is limited in scope by vag blood). Besides the fact that girls are hot, sweet, understanding, and pleased to do whatever it takes to please you; girl sex is great because there is nothing to be self-conscious about. There is a) no orgasm pressure, b) no embarrassment about: how fucking loud I am, needing to move my body to cum, orgasming hard and loud and convulsing, and c) absolutely no embarrassment doing whatever it takes to cum and asking for whatever help is needed–including masturbating in front of the girl–because we are one in the same for the most part. Girl sex is about empathy and mutual respect, not to forget the mutual exchange of pleasure. A shared experience in which the pleasure achieved together exceeds the pleasure that could be achieved alone, as you revel in your partner’s pleasure and they revel in yours. Girl pleasure becomes unified and the lines that demarcate giving and receiving cease to exist.
I’ll mention one more thing about girl sex: the lack of advanced technology. I think they need to create some kind of biofeedback device. Engineers, take note. The idea of fucking a girl with a strap on or being fucked with a strap on would be incredibly appealing if your bodies actually interacted. Part of what makes hetero sex so great is that you are able to feel your partner’s progression in arousal and your body reacts to that. You contract and engorge in tandem. Sexual narcissism abounds!
There is little arousal incorporation in dildo-fucking sex. To say it from the perspective of a sexual narcissist, you can’t tell how much you are doing for your partner. To say it from a more pragmatic perspective, without biofeedback, your ability to adjust according to your partner’s needs is compromised. Without constant updates, we are kind of useless as partners. Plastic divorces us from our partners’ bodies. And the less directly we are involved in our partners’ bodies, the less aroused we become ourselves. 69ing, I felt the most incorporated, the most connected. Being able to smell her and feel her writhe while she was touching me, significantly increased my arousal, even though I find getting eaten out generally boring and there are better angles from which to be fingered. If only strap-on fucking could be incorporated in a similar fashion so that it conveyed arousal from partner to partner, rather than physically blocking the union of bodies. Rubbing and holding isn’t enough; I want to be able to feel her contract around me, to be engulfed by her vagina.
My computer science best friend is fairly confident that because they have the technology to sensation graph, they can presumably develop technology to give vagina biofeedback. Sensations could be emitted in heat or even vibrations, perhaps. When you think about it, sex toy technology is kind of outdated. Sure there are vibrators with multiple modes and vibrator-dildo hybrids with attachments that move in different directions and patterns. The combinations are creative to account for variations in preference, as are the marketing techniques including incidental factors like color. But the technology behind it is old news, no more sophisticated than the mechanisms used in McDonald’s toys.
me: i was explaining to my cousin how now that i am bored by the easiness of attaining bodies, i have tried to challenge myself by setting the new goal of red heads
Daria: and girls
but i’d say i have more of a red head goal
girls are just a bonus
me: because i will never need pussy like i need cock
unless you find out how to sensation graph in such a way that allows me to receive pussy biofeedback through a dildo
Daria: we can only hope, one day
me: because then i would need cock vicariously, if that is the right word
Daria: I think it’ll happen
me: well then i have a reason to live!
i’m not sure if i told you this already
but my fav part of fucking the girl, like the most absurd part was after when we were gathering clothes and our bras looked indistinguishable
Daria: ha nice, you didn’t say that
me: like “i might as well have fucked a dildo in front of the mirror”
i think she is the same size
and we both had white bras
i felt like it was weird self-reflective thing
Daria: yeah, that’s a cool image
me: or befitting for a sexual narcissist
According to a recent NY Times Magazine article: women’s desire is not relational; it’s narcissistic. More on that later.