guys who love cock and lick pussy, part 1

Life is full of sexual disappointment.

I met him on okcupid and knew we wouldn’t work romantically. My expectations were super low. First of all, I didn’t think he was that attractive from his profile pics. He was too tall for me and blonde, and blonde hair is so blaaaah. Second, he identified himself as an introvert, upon messaging me. Even in his profile he warns “often shy and quiet at first,” then assures once he opens up to you he can “be quite silly and animated.” My vagina just crawled inside itself reading those lines. In my profile I go out of my way to say I am looking for an “extrovert” with an “animated demeanor.”

But, I dunno, he is also a native New Yorker, went to NYC private school, is a musician (surprisingly, a talented one), and went to a small liberal arts college. I guess you could say he is my “type,” although not physically. We use a lot of the same language, and he answered his okcupid questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. He sounded like a freak sexually, my kinda freak. If my mom ever met him, she would not be like, “Why is my daughter fucking him?” She would just get it. Too bad it never got to sex. Even after inquiring, I can’t figure out exactly why. Like what he expected that I didn’t deliver. I don’t think he really gave me the opportunity.

Here are our relevant interactions from beginning to END.

He told me I looked like Charlotte Gainsbourg from Melancholia. Flattering, though untrue. I mentioned how fake Kirsten Dunst’s boobs look in the movie and how, as a woman with real, large boobs, that offends me. (Giving this as context so his response doesn’t sound inappropriate.)

I went in for the preemptive sexual rejection:

“not sure i’d be romantically attracted to you, but we’d probably get along otherwise.”

He accepted it and was undeterred:

“we probably know at least a couple people in common… i suppose we might get along romantically or not. (though, as i guess it is apparent, i do find you attractive, and i do love real, big boobs. and once i feel more comfortable around you, you’ll see that i can be quite animated.) i guess there’s only one way to find out. (i do like the name genie, too) maybe we would be good concert buddies.”

I conceded:

“we could hang out, as long as you don’t have high romantic expectations. concert buddies are always welcome. we might know some of the same people, even though you are a youngin’.”

Honestly, folks, even though I thought I wouldn’t fuck him (honestly I thought he wasn’t cute enough), I could use some friends at this point. When you are super sick, you learn who your real friends are. You also become super needy and lonely, regardless of how much people reach out and how much you know there are still people who care about your pitiful, broken body.

Here is the catch: In his profile he basically says he’s an addict. He mentions that he no longer drinks or does drugs, but it “doesn’t bother [him] if you do.” This is in the “self-summary” section of his profile, i.e., the main section. He also elaborates about it under one of the okcupid questions, which asks how you would feel if a significant other intervened on your harming yourself with drugs. I super appreciate honesty and my personal policy is telling people about my disease before I meet them in person, but any way you cut it, addiction is bad news. I think of how many dudes I’ve dated, though, who seem awesome on paper and are fully-functioning, highly-paid, respectable, contributing members of society, yet have psychological problems that are total deal-breakers. Like dudes who are excessively uptight or just not nice people. And I wonder why it is worse to date someone who is a degenerate on paper but maybe a sweet, supportive person. Are addicts really more useless than other useless people? Maybe more unreliable. Whatever, I gave him a chance. I informed him ahead of time about my disease and how, ironically, I cannot drink now, and noted that I assumed he was an alcoholic. He responded that for “all intents and purposes” one could describe him as an alcoholic but he prefers to say “I have/had a substance abuse problem.” Fair enough. Those liberal arts kids and their self-identification. Turns out his roommate in college had ulcerative colitis. Perfect. My friend Parker gave me a dirty look when I told him I was gonna go on a date with an addict, but then he said something about how he thinks AA is trendy now because of hipster overshare. I like me some overshare.

We met and it was both better and worse than I thought it would be. First order of business: he was cute. Like, in my thirty-second assessment of him, I would fuck him. His blonde hair was transparent blonde, a little strawberry blondish around the mustache. Like an Aryan dream I wanna soil. The hipster styling was a little rough, but I could handle it. His sparse beard was glowy, not pubic, because of his hair color. His Doc Martens looked new. He didn’t reek of cigs even though he is “trying to quit.” His pants were tight and a little bulgy as they were in his pics. I love me a pants bulge. But with a pants bulge you always have to hope that it is a lotta dick and a little ball. He texted me when I was already on my way, apologizing that he would be twenty minutes late because he “encountered some unpleasant side effects of taking two doses of [his] meds too close together.” I figured they were psych meds and was like “oh my.” But at least he has his shit together and is considerate enough to know to text someone if he is gonna be late. This is gonna sound so elitist: I don’t think I would have gone out with him had he not gone to NYC private school. Something about private school makes me feel a little safer, like at least he came from good stock, and NYC private school fuck ups are an obsession of mine. I even say in my profile that I want to marry Chuck Bass.

Bulge.

bulge 3

Not grosser than checking out a chick’s cleavage, right?

bulge 4

Turns out he is more of a trainwreck than I expected. His part-time job is going to therapy four days a week. He moonlights as an intern, at his first internship ever. He’s a few years younger than I am, but still. Obviously at this point in my life it would not be appropriate for me to date him. (Parker told me that since I plan to start med school and have babies soon, I need to find a dude who has few job responsibilities and wants a hot doctor wife; don’t think this is what he had in mind). There was nothing he said, though, that was really a red flag. Like he was properly socialized. He got uncomfortable when I asked him about his alcoholism. He knew to be embarrassed. I found him exceedingly earnest and didn’t press too hard. The thing is, when I inquired about how long he’s been sober, he said “one month.” ONE MONTH! My jaw dropped and he mumbled “2-3 years on and off.” I mean, if you’ve only been sober one month, you are an active addict in my book. On the other hand, as someone who had a serious eating disorder as a teenager, I don’t think it is productive to count the days since the last time you fucked up, if it diminishes an overall pattern of improvement. It’s super defeating and self-perpetuating to beat yourself up over relapse. Once I accepted I was bound to slip up every so often and it didn’t mean I was back to square one, it was much easier for me to stay on track. Shame is the enemy of recovery. I wasn’t sure exactly what drugs he had gotten in trouble with. He said people could drink and smoke in front of him and that was fine, but anything else was “too triggering.” Whatever it was, I was sure it was bad.

He was pretty shy, but seemed like someone I might like to get to know better. After all, he warned me ahead of time that he would be difficult to acclimate to. It’s hard to judge after just one date. Let’s not understate the effect his okcupid stuff had on me. In the answers to his questions, he says he could enjoy being humiliated as a sexual experience, he’d be “turned on” rather than intimidated if a partner were more experienced than he, and he’d prefer a partner to be dominant (at least in the bedroom). And, like, this should be a given, but he would prefer a partner to be “very experienced.” Almost everyone else selects “moderately experienced.” Mmmm, cum all over me, please, then let me cum all over your face. He defines himself as bisexual (to be fair, the okcupid options aren’t great), yet says he’s looking for “girls who like guys.” He answered “yes” to the question “would you have sex with someone you hated?” and added something like “we might not hate each other so much afterward.” Something only I would say.

The end of the date was one of the most awkward I’ve been on in a while. Some people are bad at saying bye. He’s the only person who didn’t embrace me or lean forward to suggest that a hug might happen, but he sorta lingered. I didn’t take it to mean that he did or didn’t want to see me again. I messaged him a few days later. At that point I was unsure how into him I was. The highlight of his okcupid question section was where he answered “yes” to “do you enjoy meaningless sex?” and elaborated by saying something like “sex is like pizza” (even if it’s nothing special, it’s still pretty good). Could. Not. Agree. More. Weeee, here we go.

G: hey

so i thought you were cuter in person than you are in your pictures

Hans: haha thanks

i used to say that, but then people told me that “everyone thinks that about themselves” but know i have proof! if only i were cuter in pictures i’d get more dates, sigh

……………..

G: i was actually wondering, but i forgot to ask you, you list yourself as bisexual but write that you are only looking for women, and you only mentioned women you had gone out with to me

Hans: yeah, i’m just somewhere on the spectrum closer to “straight”

G: would you date a man?

Hans: i dunno, i could never imagine not being with women

like i don’t think i’d be satisfied in a homosexual relationship

G: but you could do without men?

Hans: i guess so, it’s more of a sexual curiosity, like an exotic food you like to try every once in a while

G: yeah, i guess that’s sort of how i feel about women

i used to have myself listed as bisexual but then i got all sorts of messages i didn’t want and i thought i was precluding myself from receiving the kinds of messages i did want

Hans: like i have kinks that sorta involve women and men, but the woman is always my primary focus, if that makes sense

G: so you’d be into a threesome with another dude but you wouldn’t want to be with a guy alone?

have you hooked up with guys?

Hans: yeah, essentially yes, i have been with just guys, but i think i prefer being with both at the same time maybe

G: interesting

Hans: like i think cuckolding is really hot

G: ha ha, that’s surprising, i’ve never heard that before

Hans: haha, yepp

G: so, i’ve tried to orchestrate the two girls and guy threesome with two separate guys and it has never worked. like they could never think of another girl who would have been down. i’d only do that in really specific circumstances.

G: like i wouldn’t want to feel like a third wheel but i also wouldn’t do it with a guy to whom i was romantically attached.

Hans: yeah, i get it

G: two guys i have done. i guess that situation was also rather specific.

Hans: hmmm interesting

G: and it was awesome

Hans: i can imagine

ha ha

🙂

G: they are both straight so i was completely the focus of attention

Hans: that’s hot

G: being surrounded by so much cock you don’t know what to do with it, is pretty much the best feeling ever

Hans: haha, that’s awesome

my ex and i talked about that a little, but it never happened. and we both wanted it to be with a hung guy

i have a…fascination with big cocks

G: ha ha ha, that’s hillarious

so you wouldn’t be upset if you hooked up with a guy who was bigger than you?

Hans: haha quite the contrary

G: interesting. for a while i thought i couldn’t be with a woman with bigger tits than mine, but then that happened and it was more exciting than i thought it would be.

Hans: haha, exactly, i feel like it would be so exciting if i was with a girlfriend and then a guy with a bigger cock

G: i really hate huge cocks, though.

Hans: haha, well yes too big is like a freakshow

G: no, i mean visually that is cool but i can’t handle that much. call me an incompetent slut. i’m just a small girl.

Hans: haha

G: i had to dump someone about a year ago because he was too big for me and i was totally honest about it. our last communication was him telling me that if i decided to take some vicodin i should give him a call.

Hans: haha wow

G: he’s a friend of a friend and apparently my friends knew about his huge cock but failed to tell me ahead of time

i’m a slow learner so i hooked up with him/was tortured twice before giving up

Hans: haha

G: his penis is so epic it has its own twitter account

Hans: haha that’s hilarious

my ex had been with someone who had a “famously big dick” on campus as she put it

G: and she liked it?

Hans: oh yeah/ we talked about him being our third, but it never happened, i sorta thought i would be jealous cuz they had dated

but now i regret it, haha

it totally turned me on to think about it

[Something about this vignette was very striking to me. It, along with the answers to some of his okcupid questions like where he said sex in public was too anxiety-provoking for him, made me think he had some judgment and wasn’t totally depraved. Like he had an internal monologue and understood that there were emotional consequences to sex.]

G: yeah, there are definitely some things i regret not doing

so do you watch gay porn?

Hans: eh i have, but it’s not usually my cup of tea

G: i see. want to hear something super sad?

Hans: not if it’s going to make me sad, haha

G: i don’t think it will. it’s just sad for me.

Hans: ok

G: well i used to love gay porn, like i don’t think i ever really watched straight porn until after college. but after all the rectal torture i’ve been through in the past year, i’m kinda traumatized by watching anal. so porn has effectively been ruined for me.

Hans: that does suck

but that’s interesting that you used to love gay porn

G: yeah, it does

Hans: but there still plenty of non-anal porn out there, straight porn at least

G: eh, i dunno. there is a surprising number of women who are into gay porn.

Hans: i’ve never met another woman who admitted to it, but i’d love to, haha

G: seriously, like so much porn has anal in it. even alternative/feminist porn.

well i could explain what is so great about gay porn

Hans: go for it

G: okay, well first there is the obvious that i like dudes and i’m a very visual person. then there are the types of guys that are in porn. the ones in straight porn are nasty.

i’d say i’m sort of into the twink look, but i don’t like people who look like children, which is sometimes a problem with gay porn in particular.

mostly the difference between gay and straight porn has to do with gender dynamics and degradation.

Hans: hmm interesting

G: the tropes in straight porn get so tiresome, the girls look plastic and like they aren’t enjoying themselves, they are decorative and passive

the chemistry in gay porn is much hotter

Hans: i like the idea of being “forced” to suck dick, especially if it’s a woman “forcing” me

G: hmm, weird. well i definitely don’t like the idea of being forced to suck dick, but it is obviously different as a woman with collective history attached.

Hans: haha yes

so you’d enjoy watching two guys together in person?

G: this is gonna sound really obscene, and i know this was a horrible 20-yr-old self-congrajulatory thing to do, but when i was in college i turned in this paper about the difference between gay and straight porn

Hans: haha, that’s awesome

G: and one of the big differences is the cumshot. in gay porn facials are rare. you see cum in a less degrading/physically tortured way.

G: i don’t know about seeing two guys together in person. obviously i’ve never had that opportunity.

Hans: well you’ve got one guy right here 😉

ha

G: i mean, do you even have guys you regularly hook up with?

Hans: no

G: things like this are always harder to orchestrate than you’d think they’d be

Hans: yeah i know, but that’s what the internet is for

ha

G: i’d like to use the internet for less sketchy tings

haha

i’ve actually never hooked up with someone from okcupid

Hans: hmm interesting

G: i think i understand why guys would look for sex on okcupid more than why girls would

Hans: whyh

G: i feel like as a girl, it’s pretty easy to meet someone to sleep with in person and then you know ahead of time whether or not you are attracted to them

Hans: oh yeah

G: like i know you have to drag your friends out to meet people at bars and on okcupid you can go alone so it takes less coordinating

also if i’m just looking for sex what i’m screening for is totally different from what i’m screening for if i’m looking for more

Hans: yeah, i’ve always had trouble making the first move in bars, but if you’re on a date, then you’ve already sorta done that

G: i don’t care if the guys i sleep with are illiterate, for example

Hans: that makes sense

G: one of my males friends said something about his success with strange women that i think all men should consider…

Hans: do tell

G: he told me that he used to be skeptical about approaching women because he felt like sorta a creep. but then he realized that women wanted sex so he had something to offer them. then he realized that basically his job was just pitching it right.

like if you go in thinking that you have to somehow trick women into accepting something they don’t automatically want, it doesn’t go as well for you.

Hans: so how does he pitch it/how do you know which girls just want sex

G: i’m not sure. but he’s a friend i’ve slept with so i guess it worked.

Hans: haha

bazing

G: well i think part of it is not distinguishing girls who “just” want sex

Hans: hmm

G: i mean i think one of society’s major problems is that people assume there is a dichotomy among women, that they are either fit for relationships or fit for sex

Hans: i think i have a problem with low self-esteem and therefore feel particularly vulnerable to getting down on myself for being “rejected”

hmm

G: i see. i only fear being rejected as a person.

Hans: not being rejected as a sexual body?

or perhaps “body for sex”

G: honestly, hans, i’ve done really well with men. like way better than i should do considering my looks. so physical rejection by one guy would not make a difference.

everyone has their preferences

Hans: i mean you look pretty good to me, so i’m not surprised you’ve done well

G: thanks, but honestly there are other reasons guys sleep with me. like i’d say i have a way better than average body but my face is pretty average.

sadly i’ve gotten tired of just sex

because life is like a weezer song

Hans: i think you’re face is cuter than average

haha

G: thanks

i think i get more upset about people rejecting me after i’ve slept with them

[foreshadowing]

Hans: yeah, that sucks too

the way i see it is that i’d like to be in a relationship, but lacking that, sex is a decent replacement

G: yeah, i mean i’m sort of in a weird situation currently because of my body breaking

Hans: yeah. unfortunately i haven’t gotten laid in a while

G: ha ha, i’m sorry

Hans: hey it happens

G: it’s sort of a long story but when i spent my year in vermont i sort of realized how much i missed physical affection and how much physical affection i was acquiring by having fairly casual sex.

i guess i feel like sex is something you can sort of do to yourself but there is no replacement for a warm body

Hans: yeah, well sex involves a warm body, no? i like to cuddle, even if it’s casual, ha

G: yeah, but you can kind of take out sexual frustration in other ways but cuddling with a cat doesn’t at all compare to cuddling with a human. i also feel like the conversations i have post-sex are sorta therapeutic.

even if it is with people i don’t care about at all.

Hans: hm

G: in your okcupid questions, you say somewhere that you get less attached to people after you have sex with them unless you really like them. how does that work?

like they are knocked down to the level of pathetic animal-human post-sex?

Hans: no, i don’t think less of them, but it’s sort of like once we’ve had sex once, the excitement of not knowing whether or not they want to have sex with me is gone

G: oh, i see

anyway, i think i should go get stuff done

but we should hang out again sometime

Hans: haha okay, not gunna lie the first part of this conversation especially got my pretty horny, ha

*me

G: well that’s nice

Hans: haha, goal accomplished? ha

not really my goal, but i guess i do what i can

Hans: haha, ahh i want to have sex so bad, haha

G: guess you’ll have to wait

Hans: haha

daaarnit

G: anyway, time to do work. goodnight.

MINUSES: By all objective standards, he’s a loser. Low self-esteem.

PLUSES: Small liberal arts college. Can talk gender and sexual orientation binaries with him. Maybe even throw in some race and class for good measure. Loves cocks and wants to play with them in front of me. Looks pretty. Mmm. Live fast, fuck pretty.

VERDICT: Win-win. Sex is a decent replacement. For, like, everything.

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