Vomit for Sex, Part 2

VOMIT FOR SEX, PART 2

 

MORNING AFTER (February 7, 2009)

We woke up to sunshine soaking our bodies. You know that Cake lyric, “With fingernails that shine like justice.” His pubes shone like justice. They are ever brighter than his head hair. Neon orange. Never had I ever seen pubes lighter/brighter than head hair. It was confusing. And magical. Mommy, I caught a real, live leprechaun!

While I was admiring his crotch tinsel, he commented on how flaccid he was. Like, “Have you ever woken up to such a flaccid penis before? Feel that. It’s soooo flaccid.” Eh, he had been drinking. I was unfazed. At least he had a sense of humor about his small penis, which garnered him twenty Genie points on top of the one hundred he had already earned for being a phenomenal fuck. The night before when I pulled out the dildo to whom I’m married, Andy assessed, “I’m not threatened by that.” And I questioned, “Why? Because it is tiny?” His response: “I was going to say it is the exact same size as my penis, but if you want to put it that way.” As we lay in bed contemplating his morning-after hanging foliage, he shared a story about how he gets self-conscious peeing next to alpha males at work because his penis ceases to exist when it is flaccid. As if his coworkers are vying to sneak a peak at his firebush. Oh, Andy. You’re ridiculous.

He tried to convince me to have sex with him again before he left. Too bad I hate morning sex and he woke me up extra early. As a concession, I told him he could jerk off in front of me. He declined my thoughtful offer. We ended up chatting in bed for over an hour, at which point I told him I was getting hungry and asked if he wanted to go out and get food with me. His response: “I have to ejaculate before breakfast. It’s my morning routine.” Whaaaa? You aren’t even remotely hard. And I asked you if you wanted to jerk off an hour ago. You said no! I reminded him of this, and he claimed he had only declined because he hadn’t believed he couldn’t convince me to have sex with him. So I confirmed that we really weren’t going to fuck that morning and told him to be quick; I was hungry. I lay on his chest as he rattled his dick around. It was so much hotter than I expected. Gingers get extra super red, and so much breathing! I helped out a little bit with my hand. He came on himself and it glistened like his crotch tinsel. Being the empath that I am, watching him and being so involved, I was like, “Fuccck, now I need to get off too. Ejaculate before breakfast, so to speak.” So I announced that we were going to shower together and that I was going to get off in the shower as per my morning routine. Was killing two birds with one stone. He smelled like a mildewy distillery and that is no way to partake in bagels.

We showered; I lost my nerve. Mostly because it didn’t seem practical to get off with another human being in the shower unless I found a step stool of sorts so I could face him. This showerhead cord just isn’t long enough. With Andy, you can ask anything. I asked if I could get off alone. He resisted a little until I wrapped my arms around him and asked cutely (which I wasn’t even conscious of). He was like, “Now that you want something from me, you are being affectionate for the first time all morning.” When I got out of the shower and he tried to be affectionate, I didn’t really react. He was like, “Look at that: you are all post-coital; you have no use for me.” Post-coital is a funny way to describe someone post getting off in shower.

Once we had both unloaded, we went out for a totes romantic Jewish breakfast. He even paid for my egg salad and Yoo Hoo. It was like a proper date. During which he relayed that he remembered little about the previous night and apologized for his rudeness in asking how it was. Predictable considering he passed out. After cumming twice at like 4:30 a.m.

The best part of the morning was when my mom opened my door to collect my well-kept kitty, who used to travel back and forth from my apartment to my parents’ apartment for maximal attention. It isn’t even as if Andy saw my mom or she saw him. Nevertheless, he was freaked out. I liked it! I’ve never seen him look vulnerable before. He is so casual about sex. Humanizing moment.

February 9, 2009

A few days later, we had a sex recap. Andy asked me thoughtful questions about my sexuality. I got to explain my blog, specifically its purpose and what constitutes fodder for it. Fun. Nothing like having an analytical conversation about sex with a guy who is a sexual superstar.

Genie: are you aware that fashionable women can now subject themselves to labia liposuction?

Andy: get the fuck out

thats absurd

Genie: apparently large labia can be the impetus for loss of self esteem

and unsightly vaginal bulges are as unsightly as any

i just wrote an article on this

Andy: theyre the worst bulges of them all

Genie: ha

it boggles my mind that female genitalia beautifying surgery involves minimizing and male genitalia beautifying surgery involves enhancing. so socially telling.

Andy: may i ask you an introspective analytical question that may sound very personal, but im really asking for your objective opinion?

or even better, can i spend the next hour writing detailed disclaimers before every remark i make?

Genie: yes, all of the above

are you going to ask me about my large labia?

Andy: hahahaha, i thought there was nothing irregular about your labia

your labia rivals the pouridge of a baby bear

in it’s just rightedness

Genie: aw, cute

so, ask away

Andy: theres that charm i’ve so captivated you with lol.. comparing your vagina to stolen breakfast

who was that thief? goldilocks?

heres the question-

do you believe everyone should express their sexuality the way you do and that most people are repressing it, or do you think that you have a greater sex drive than most and etc.?

Genie: ooh, that’s a fantastic question, but one which i cannot answer, for i wonder the same thing myself

am i suppose to say something insightful?

since i am studying to be a psychologist?

Andy: yep

Genie: oh, no. i am a failure!

Genie: i think sex drive is pretty impossible to quantify, esp in women

like we could measure my testosterone but not my desire

Andy: your communicating, experimenting, actively seeking of it

Genie: and, and of course i don’t think everyone SHOULD express their sexuality like i do. that is so prescriptive. but i think that maybe if everyone expressed their sexuality openly, theirs would appear more like mine.

Andy: none of it actually speaks to whether or not someone who doesn’t do those things as openly is completely horny all of the time

ok, so we’ve drawn the same 2 possible conclusions about this

Genie: i’m not as open as i seem

i am only open about certain things

Andy: are you holding back with me?

Genie: no, it’s not that exactly. what i mean is i am open about physical things, especially as it pertains to fucking bodies or bizarre and unpleasant sexual experiences–anything that can be mocked because it is meaningless. but if you asked me about relationship shit, i would turn into stone.

i want to be a cold, unfeeling jerk, besides emotions are such passive chick bullshit. i am loosely paraphrasing chuck palahniuk, my hero.

Andy: i understood what you meant. i mean in general, being you, expressing anything, we haven’t interacted much and i cant tell if you’re being yourself completely yet

hes my hero too

i get all fucked up and crazy when im reading his books

Genie: you wile out?

Andy: hahahahaha- exactly

Genie: i urban dictionaried that today in attempt to bridge our communication

Andy: aw

Genie: i’m not sure what “being yourself” means. obviously i act different ways around different people.

Andy: everyone does

Andy: are you going to write about the other night?

Genie: i mostly only write about repulsive experiences

good ones don’t make for captivating newsprint

and i sort of like presenting myself in a negative light

i want to be the great american sexual antihero

one who does reprehensible and humiliating things to get off

Andy: tucker max

Genie: yes, except a good writer

and also, i have a way better puking on dick story with an exchange of painful e-mails to go along

Andy: from friday??

Genie: girls need a sexual antihero. all the outrageous stories about female sexuality are about girls getting taken advantage of or girls naively putting themselves into situations they can’t handle.

do you think i puked on your dick?!?

Andy: no!

nevermind

Genie: wait, so what did you mean?

Andy: i asked if you were going to write about it and you said you had a better story. thought you were insinuating from the same evening

Genie: and do you think that humiliation incurred upon puking on a dick is inversely proportional to penis size?

no, my dick puke story is from my wild college days

obviously

Andy: it should be

all you really said about the other night was i was really hard, how’d you enjoy it?

my being drunk is a heavily-weighted variable

Genie: how did i enjoy your dick?

ha, nice try with lowering the expectations

Andy: haha, its true

my perception can be different than reality. i would just feel bad if it were just some drunk selfish thrusting about

Genie: ha ha, it was mostly fun. until you passed out.

Andy: haha, during?

Genie: no, not exactly. you came a second time and i asked you if you were scared of dildos and said something along the lines of “no, i just want to make you happy.” then i commenced fucking dildos and i needed help because i am too weak to fuck dildos myself after a night of sex. so i asked for your assistance and you were non responsive. then i moved your arm and it fell down limp.

Andy: hahaha, okay

well, apologies my dear

Genie: and i contemplated what to do with your cummy-condom bearing dick and cold, uncovered body

Andy: :/ so sad

Genie: but i figured if i covered you and the condom fell off, my covers would be covered in cum

so i left you untouched

Andy: :-O

you put a blanket on me

Genie: the positive part of you passing out was i was like great well i don’t have to feel self conscious about doing this now

except i felt like such a fucking loser for being so weak

Andy: cut it out

Genie: i need to get arm exercise other than dildo-fucking

seriously

it isn’t a problem by myself, though, because my arms aren’t pre-used

my vag muscles are so strong and the rest of my body is like silly putty

Andy: btw, you know, you have to understand that you’re a little intimidating (e.g. having just read your thoughts on using people of my race) and you did ask me in the beginning if i’d care

haha, i like your vagina

[his “race” being gingers]

Genie: intimidating? like you think you have some standard to uphold?

well, thank you. i like your penis.

are you intimidated because you aren’t used to people of your race being put on such a pedestal?

Andy: both

Genie: well i have had repulsive red-head experiences, thoroughly repulsive ones, so i don’t come with extra expectations

but you have restored my hope

that i too can adopt a red-haired baby, one day

Andy: the sex part or the human part

oh, the im adopted part

Genie: yes!

and all i want eventually is a red-haired baby and it has come to my attention that i may not be able to produce one myself, i may be red-head barren

Andy: i question if i can ever adopt

your kids come w/ a shit-ton of baggage

Genie: yeah, i know. i have adopted friends. i gravitate to them, apparently.

Andy: we gravitate to each other as well

Genie: ooh, is your community of red-haired jews adopted?

Andy: lol, i should start a club. i actually know at least 4 others but none are adopted

Genie: aw, too bad

Andy: im a commodity i guess.. a lot harder than those cheap chinese imports

Genie: ha ha, and those mexicans from texas

i have seriously always wanted to adopt

Genie: by the way, one of my litmus tests for determining whether a guy could be a long term partner is whether or not he’d be willing to adopt

if a guy said no i would assume he didn’t really want to have kids

and since i had such a shitty dad my main criteria in finding a guy is that he actually wants to be a father

not that he wants some trophy kid

Andy: Yeah, my dad wasn’t around much so I have the same ideas but what if tyler durdens right?

scary thought

Genie: right about what?

Andy: that this fatherless generation of mother raised boys shouldnt procreate

b/c we’ll never know how to be better fathers like we think we can

SWOOOON.

 

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