Let’s play a little catch up. Sure, I’ve been on blog hiatus for 2 ½ years. Before my past year of medical misery, I was getting fucked, despite my best efforts not to. Seriously guys, I tried not to have sex for nearly a year. Well, at least I tried to severely limit the parameters under which I would have sex. All it begot me was bad sex! I have no self-control. Everyone laugh at me. When you realize your life is shit show no matter what, you might as well let yourself go. Rationalization is easy—like me! Here are some highlights of years past, to contextualize my current experiences. I’ll start each throwback post with an approximate date of misdeed.
In Exile (June 2011)
Committed to becoming a REAL doctor, nearly two years ago I voluntarily exiled myself to an intensive, year-long postbac program in rural America. There, I shared my commute with WILD animals (such as, fuzzy caterpillars on their way to metamorphisis class), encountered unironic mullets paired with lumberjack flannel, and literally watched the corn grow. While I technically lived in a “town,” it was quite the change of pace for this here native New Yorker (from “Wall Street” to “Main Street,” in political speak). Navigating the wilderness with a turquoise headlamp (complimenting my teal and magenta wardrobe, obvi!), I equally feared getting hit by a car and running into a stampede of deer (in headlights, ha!)
Less than a week after moving, before the internetz were installed, I had my first sexual freak out:
Ryan (my doctor friend): Just passed the [landmark in NYC that you live near]. Thinking of you…hoping post-bac is off to a strong start.
Me: Omg, I was totes thinking about you tonight. Thanks for your advice about bringing a bag of dildos to [the wilderness]–I will need it. Also, I am planning on sending you a more professional msg soon.
Ryan: Hahaha. You are too much. Smart to go to [the wilderness]…wil keep your mind off cock.
Me: But seriously, I have no internet until Sat. Have rediscovered my collegiate porn collection. Condolences for me?
Me: Right now anyone with a penis sound good. Regrets, regrets (not relating to you and [your friend], just NYC opportunities passed up in general). Think I actually need to go to sleep.
Me: Let’s have a phone convo soon, though. Not after midnight.
Ryan: Sounds good…possibly tom. Will text you. Have a good night and a good hike.
Me: Will continue to think of you as I get off. And I don’t mean that in a sexual way. Poor me. Not even a detachable showerhead in sight.
Ryan: Wow. You’re def going into gyn. Night.
Comically, when I transferred my old-skool, hard-copy porn collection (from 2004-2005) to my fresh, feather-weight MacBook Air, it got relabeled “January 17th, 1980.” My computer managed to match my antiquated collection to the feathered hair and weathered, acid-washed denim of the rugged, salt-of-the-earth townies.
Usually I don’t like to post porn because this isn’t THAT kinda blog, and also I think it can ruin the illusion (like, the reason writing is more relatable than theatre or video is you can project your own image). But, here it is guys, what I got off to for the first half of the summer. Really got into Lizz Tayler (I know big-budget, studio-produced porn is cheesy). The guy in the first vid has a gorge cock and kinda reminds me of one of the dudes in the Falcon video “In Your Wildest Dreams.” Both “period pieces,” albeit from different eras. If anyone can figure out where the first three clips come from, let me know. Used to have a different edit. Was unposted, and I cried myself to sleep for like a week thinking porn is here today gone tomorrow. I mean, not really, but I was pretty bummed out. I get attached; I’m a real romantic. The last three clips I think are Lizz Tayler and Dane Cross in The Pre-nup. His cock could stand to be a little longer (it’s sorta wide for its length, or short for its girth), but it’s pretty and she looks like she enjoys sucking it. I like blowjob clips where you can actually see spit. She’s styled like a cosmic slut. I like that, too. Something about this porn totally commemorates the time period for me. Ya know, listening to Tom Petty and Neil Young. Watching cosmic sluts get fucked.