PENIS LINEUP (August 2011)

Me: Last night I slept with Clyde McManus. I suppose that is the quintessential NYC nightlife experience?

Paul: Doesn’t count unless you checked in on Foursquare. But omg why did you do that?

Me: Ha ha, I dunno. It was fun. Bad drunken sex, but whatevs. He actually has an attractive cock and was kinda a gentleman. Plus riding on his vespa was fun.

Paul: You’re in a unique position to confirm whether or not he’s hung like a horse. There was an internet photo awhile back that might have been him.

Me: And i think the real answer to your question is that i havent had sex in six months

Paul: No sex in six months? That also doesn’t add up.

Me: There is literally no one to have sex w in [the wilderness] unless i wanna go for middle aged

Believe it or not

I am married to models of molecules

I wouldnt say hung like a horse, but he is big

Where do i find the picture? I could prob identify it

He is uncirc and to the left

Foreskin very retractable though

Paul: It vanished from the internet almost immediately, but not before @ClydeMcManusspenis came from

How long are you back for?

If my vag invited me to brunch, I would buy it a Bloody Mary.

Me: Ah, thats too bad. Would feel like a productive citizen identifying a penis in a lineup. Im back for a week. What are you up to?

And what is so terrible about sleeping with Clyde McManus?

Paul: It’s my first day back in school. You should come to [event] tomorrow.

Nothing terrible, just surprising. He is very much in that department a male you.

Me: What, where, when is [event]?

I might be able to stop by, although I have a tentative wed night engagement w another pretty penis. Today I am resting up my sore vagina.

Paul: LES, I think. The account was made just to make fun of the dick slip. Largely defunct, but you can still talk to it if you’d like.

Me: Are you telling me I can follow Clyde McManus’s penis on Twitter? If so, I’m glad that I slept with him if only for the hilarity. He’s a character; i like characters.

Ha ha ha, okay. Well let me know more specific deets if you end up going. My tentative pretty penis date is [in East Village], so wouldnt be impossible to double book my evening.

Googling “penis lineup” gave me the following images:

Jamie McCartney The Great Wall of Dicks

Anyone seen New Wave Hookers Vol. 5? No, just me?

Jamie McCartney The Spice of Life

Would love to tile my bathroom in The Spice of Life. Most tasteful way to up the kitsch factor. Penises would make perfect towel hooks.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two days later, Davey got in touch. My vag was still wrecked. You know how people joke about not being able to walk after sex with a hung guy? Other things you cannot do include: sneezing, coughing, peeing. It all hurts. Rough times.

Davey: About to have dinner with a friend in my hood and will probably be retiring to my couch afterwards. Don’t know what your deal is but let me know if you’re around

Me: Are you free tomorrow night?

Davey: Well I have dinner with my old roommates but possibly after

Me: Word. Think I might stay in tonight. I’ll spare you the gross explanation.

Davey: Or at least semi spare me