Parts Intact (October, 2011)
When I was home, briefly, for a long weekend in October, I booked my fuck dates very carefully according to penis size. To ensure I could fit in as many guys as possible (literally, but not simultaneously!)
First up, Davey. We spoke more than a week in advance of my arrival:
Me: hey there, i’m going to be back in the city soon
Davey: Nice. When?
Me: weekend after this coming weekend
Davey: Well naturally I have a wedding in CT that weekend
Might be staying there
Me: lame. well i’ll be in town wed night through monday.
Davey: Ok cool
Me: i’ll try not to incur any sex injuries before we prospectively hang out
Davey: Well I guess that was the mysterious reason that kept you home last time
Me: evidently i’m an incompetent slut
Well try to keep all your parts in tact
I followed up the week of:
Me: You free thursday?
Davey: I have dinner plans with some birthright pals. But possibly after
Me: Hmm, i have late night plans but not sure how late so we’ll see. Guess I should wish you a happy day of repentance.
Davey: Ok we’ll figure it out
Of course, we never ended up meeting up.
Friday, I resorted to texting Clyde:
Me: Hey Clyde, What are you up to this wknd?
Clyde: Hey! Are you back in town? I’m going away this weekend, but I’m around tonight!
Me: Yeah, I’m here until Monday. Hmm, I have plans with a college friend tonight but he probably won’t want to stay out too late. So, I can let you know where I am later in the evening.
Clyde: Okay sounds good!
I’m at Comic Con right now, but I have my motorcycle, so I’ll be around. Let me know where you are later and we’ll get together!
Me: Ha, okay. That sounds extremely geeky or maybe just hilarious like a Kevin Smith movie. I’ll text you later!
Clyde: It’s both! Haha TTYL
Was planning to book Davey before him, but a bird in the bush is worth… well, more than some dude who almost never delivers.
Before my college friend EBF and I got specific about our plans, I laid down my priorities for the evening. Snoochie boochies!
Me: Whatever we do tonight, I can’t get too drunk, because I have after hours plans with someone whose penis has a twitter account.
EBF: This is an epic text that I could only get from you
Me: His penis is epic enough to have a twitter account
EBF: Don’t worry, we’ll keep your vagina in proper condition to receive it
Me: Ha. Gross.
EBF: I was thinking of going to occupy wall street with [two of our college friends]. Want to go on crust punk safari?
Me: Hmm, sure. That sounds like an adventure.
Do we get to bring binnoculars and wear safari hats?
I’ll actually prob be dressed to fuck.
I hope we won’t be photographed.
I don’t want my friends in the real world to think I’m a dirty hippie.
The crusty punk safari was not as much of a spectacle as I would have hoped. Jews were whining about having their sukkahs taken down because you aren’t allowed to have tents there. As Paul later critiqued, “I thought Jews were the 1%. Go figure.”
Forgot to check my phone for a hot sec and tragedy almost struck…
Clyde: I’m finished at my event and I’ll probably just head home soon.
Me: Wait, no, stay!
[The sweet smell of desperation.]
Clyde: I’ll be back Sunday night if your here until Monday maybe we’ll get to hang out before you go.
Me: Im at wall street being a tourist
But can head home soon if you wanna visit
Clyde: How long until you get home?
Me: Well i could leave now and taxi
[I will drop everything to land on your cock.]
Clyde: I’m pretty tired 😦
Me: But if youre tired i understand. Im prob busy sunday though.
Have my driving test number three on monday.
Clyde: What’s your address again?
Me: [my address]. Yay!
[Didn’t mean to sound so excited about it!]
Clyde: I’ll come over
Me: Ill leave now.
In cab. See ya soon.
Clyde: See you soon
Let me know when you get home